When you fall, Can you get back up ?
by spangs
Summary: Can Ashley get back on track and get her life back ?
1. Dinner among Friends

**When you fall, can you get back up ?**

**Disclaimer****: I do not own South of Nowhere or any of the characters. I only own my brain and my imagination. **

**Author's Note****: Now this is my first step into fic world and english is not my first language. Hope you like it anyway. Don't hesitate to leave feedback, good or bad, it's always appreciated. **

**Chapter 1 – Dinner among Friends**

**Spencer's house**

«Oh My God, I remember that ! That was mortifying when I think about it" laughed Madison.

"I must say, I couldn't believe it when I saw you strip off the uniform." Spencer said

"Yeah, and after I had to get to the locker to retrieve some clothes and while getting there Mr Connors got out of his classroom and I bumped into him. Face to face with him and I was half naked. Oh God, what was i thinking." She laughed again.

"I think you just snapped. It happens." Spencer said softly.

"I remember enjoying the view." Aiden said with a smile.

"That's because you were a perv." Spencer laughed.

"Oh He still is!" added Madison. "God, it feels like such a long time ago."

"Well, it was 13 years ago!" Spencer said smiling "So yeah I'd say it was quite a long time ago." She added getting up. "You guys want coffee."

"Yep!" said Aiden.

"Decaf for him otherwise he's not going to sleep and he's going to bother me all night until he falls asleep." Laughed Madison.

"Like I would do that!" he said.

"Yeah, you would." Madison said "And then you would turn the TV on and wake me up anyway."

Spencer smiled at her two best friends who liked to tease each other. Those two really fit together and despite the many off and on years, they finally realized that they couldn't live without each other.

"So, have you talked to Ashley ?" Aiden asked carefully.

"I left her 4 messages already but she hasn't called me back." Spencer sighed in frustration. "And Julian keeps asking for her. I guess I'll have to keep trying."

Suddenly, two small children made their appearances in the living room.

"Mommy, the movie's finished." Said the young boy to Spencer's attention.

"It's getting late, anyway. We should get going." Said Aiden. "Hey pumpkin, you're ready to go." He added to the small girl's attention.

"Hey, Daddy! Can you do Bruce in Nemo, I told Julian you could do Bruce."

After a few minutes of Aiden making the kids laugh, everybody was ready to go.

"Amy, Sweetie, where are your shoes ?" asked Madison.

"Upstairs." She said.

"Then go get them, we have to go home."

Amy and Julian raced upstairs.

"Thanks Spencer for tonight." Aiden smiled.

"It was nothing."

"Hon, if you talk to Ashley and you need one of us, you call alright." Madison said.

"Don't worry, I will."

After Madison, Aiden and Amy left, Spencer started to clean up the kitchen.

"Julian, get in your pjs, it's bedtime." She told him.

"Mommy, can we read Curious George tonight ?"

"Yes, get the book ready, I'm coming."

When she finished, she helped the young boy brush his teeth and tucked him into bed and started reading the story.


	2. The Storm

**Chapter 2 – The Storm**

"Mommy, when is Mama coming to see me ?" He asked sadly.

At seeing the sadness in her little boy eyes, Spencer's heart started to break a little.

"I don't know, baby, you know she's been working a lot but I'm sure she will come soon. We will try to call her tomorrow, ok."

"Ok. Because I want to show her my drawing."

"And I'm sure she'll love it, Baby. Now it's time to sleep."

She kissed her little boy goodnight and turned off the light. Snoopy, their golden retriever took his regular spot at the foot of Julian's bed and Spencer left the room.

She made her way in the bathroom to take a much needed hot shower. Half an hour later, she checked and Julian was sound asleep.

Spencer went down the living room and took the phone and dialed Ashley's cell phone.

"Hi, it's Ash, I'm not available to answer your call so please leave a message."

"Ash, it's me. It's my fifth message and I'd really appreciate if you could call me back. I'm sick and tired of chasing you. Your son is asking for you and it's been two weeks so if you could just make time for him, that would be great. So call me so we can set up a time and place."

After the call, Spencer settled down in front of the TV to watch a movie. An hour later, she heard a slight crash in the driveway and a door being slammed.

Suddenly a loud banging at the door. Spencer ran to the door and opened it.

"What the fuck are you doing, Ash ?" she asked irritated.

"Well, I got your message, so he-eeere I am." She yelled stumbling through the door.

"Are you drunk ? Did you drive like this ?"

"What do you care ? So, where's Julian ?"

"Jesus, Ash. It's 11 at night, he's sleeping. What do you think he's doing ?"

"Then why did you call me all angry and shit !" she yelled.

"Could you keep it quiet, you're going to wake him up. " Spencer asked leading Ashley in the living room. "And for the record, I didn't ask you to come tonight, I asked you to call me back or were you too wasted to understand the message ?"

"Ok, then I'm gonna go." She said trying to get up from the couch.

"I don't think so, Ash. You're not driving in this condition. It's bad enough you drove here like that but I'm not letting you drive back the same way. You're gonna end up killing someone."

"Like you care!" Ashley mumbled.

"Well, I do care. So give me your keys."

"Well, come and get them." Ashley asked smiling.

"Ash, I don't have time for your stupid games. Give me your fucking keys."

"ooh, I'm so scared, Spence." She said tripping on the rug. "Damn it" she yelled trying to catch herself with no success.

"Would you keep it down! I swear, Ash, if you wake him up!"

"So, what ?" she said trying to get up.

"You really want him to see you like that ?"

"Yeah, well I just celebrated a little. The new album is almost finished !"

"Whatever, Ash! Now give me your keys."

"Ok, ok. Here!" she said handing the keys to Spencer.

"Now, you'll sleep on the couch tonight."

Ash settled down on the couch and Spencer handed her a pillow and a blanket. She practically passed out and Spencer headed for bed. But sleep wouldn't come easy, now that the anger had built up.


	3. After the Storm

**Chapter 3 – After the Storm**

She awoke to the soft sounds of Tv and opened her eyes. Julian was in the comfy chair watching Spongebob Squarepants.

"Hey, Baby. You're up already ?"

"Hey Mommy!" he smiled and jumped on the bed.

"So, you want breakfast ?"

"Yes, I'm hungry!"

They went downstairs and Julian saw Ashley on the couch. Spencer saw a huge smile appear on his face and he ran to the couch.

"Mama!" he yelled.

Ashley opened her eyes and smiled.

"Hey, Baby!" she said softly. "Don't yell, Mama's got a massive headache." She sat down and took Julian in her arms. "God, you're getting big. Soon, I won't be able to carry you anymore."

"Well, I'm almost five now."

"I know, Baby, and we're going to have a big birthday party, won't we ?" she said.

Spencer left them and went into the kitchen to prepare the breakfast.

"Julian, breakfast is ready !" she yelled from the kitchen.

Ashley and Julian entered the kitchen.

"That smells good." Laughed Ash. "I bet I can eat more than you, Baby."

"Yeah and you'll propably get sick." Said Spencer. "Come on Julian, eat. We have to get ready. Mommy's got a meeting this morning so I'll drop you off at Uncle Aiden."

"Mama can take me to school!" Julian said his mouthful.

"Baby, don't eat and speak at the same time." She laughed. "Ash, can I speak to you in the living room."

Ash followed Spencer in the living room.

"I can take him to school if you want. No need to bother Aiden." She just said.

"You know the rules, Ash. You're not staying alone with him unless Aiden, Madison or myself are with you."

"Come on, Spence. It's just a ride to school." She said irritated.

"Yeah like yesterday night, you took your car completely drunk. I won't allow you to put him in danger again. So you tell him you have to work or whatever or if you want to take him to school, Aiden is coming along."

"Fine, we tell him I'll pick him up with Madison and I'll spend the rest of the day with him, I have the day off anyway. Are you free this afternoon ?"

"No, I've got a meeting this morning with my publisher and I have another meeting this afternoon, so I asked Madison to take him. But you can spend the day with him over there." Spencer said.

"Fine!" she sighed.

The morning went quietly and Spencer dropped off Julian at Aiden and Madison's house. She warned Madison that Ashley would be coming around noon to come along to pick Julian up from school and she would spend the day with them. And she was on her way.

Sitting down in LA traffic, Spencer couldn't help but feel the tears coming. She promised herself she's stopped crying but she couldn't help it. She didn't know what to do anymore when it came to Ashley and last night proved once again that she wasn't getting through to her. She took her cell phone out and dialed a number.

"Hello!" said a male voice.

"Hey, Dad! How are you ?"

"Spencer! Honey, how are you ?"

"I'm ok, Dad. Just wanted to say Hi! How's Mom?"

"Well, she's fine. She finally managed to reduce her hours a little so she can spend a little more time at home."

"That's nice!"

"So how about you ? What happened ?"

"Why do you think something happened ?"

"I can hear it in your voice, Honey. What did Ashley do ?"

"Nothing, she just showed up yesterday night, drunk as usual." Spencer sighed.

"It'll be ok, Spence." He just said. At this point he really had no idea what else to say. This had been going on for so long and Ashley refused to listen. "If you need help, you know we're here for you."'

"I know Dad. Thanks. Anyway, I was wondering if Julian and I could come by tomorrow and spend the weekend with you guys."

"Sure. That'll be great, Spence."

"Ok, Dad. So I'll see you on saturday. Bye Dad."

"Bye Honey. And you call if there is anything."

"Don't worry!"


	4. Addiction and Fights

**Chapter 4 – Addiction and Fights**

**Carlin-Davies House**

Ashley opened the door to her house and walked through the living room. It was a mess. But then again, the whole house was like that. She was frustrated and she knew that only one thing could ease her frustration. She tried to ger her mind off it by started cleaning the living room. Once it was done, she went into her room. She realised suddenly that she hadn't slept in her own room in months, mostly using the guest bedroom or the living room couch when she was too wasted to even move.

Even though Spencer had moved out months ago, she could feel her presence in the room. That's probably why she didn't want to sleep in this room, too many memories. She couldn't bear the idea of being in this bed without her. She looked at the pictures in the room of her and Spencer, with or without Julian. They were happy once, probably the happiest people on earth and those pictures proved that it wasn't just her imagination. Ashley felt the tears come and shook her head. Along with the tears always came the need, the need to run away and hide. She got out of the bedroom and went to the kitchen, grabbed the first bottle she found and made her way to the guest bedroom. The curtains were closed and the darkness suited her perfectly right now. She glanced at the bottle in her hands. She had promised her son to be there for him today so she tried to refuse the gentle invitation, but after a slight struggle, she finally gave in. And soon enough almost half the bottle was emptied and promises once again thrown out the window.

She woke up around 2pm and grunted. She had disappointed once again but she decided to go to Aiden's anyway.

**Dennison House**

When she knocked on the door, she knew Madison would probably be pissed off. And boy, was she right.

"Ash, how nice of you to join us ?" she said, her voice dripping with venom.

"I'm sorry, Mads. I was held up." Ashley just said.

"Of course you were. Jesus, would you look at yourself! But just so you know, Julian made us wait for you for half an hour before I had to make up some excuse that you had to work."

"Thanks."

"Don't you dare thank me." Madison added really angry. "I don't want to hear any apologies from you, we're all sick of them. And I'm sick of seeing Julian cry because you can't keep one fucking promise."

"Stop right there, Madison. I'm not here to fight with you and I just want to see my son."

"Mama! You're here!" said a small voice from upstairs.

"Yeah, Baby. Sorry I'm late. I had to work. But I'm here now."

Julian ran down the stairs and jumped in her arms, smiling from ear to ear. These were the only few moments in Ashley's life where she felt at peace. Why she managed to mess them up most of the time, she didn't even know.

"So what do you want to do ?"

"Let's go to the park, Mama."

"Mads, you're up for it ?" Ashley asked.

"Amy, Hon. Aunt Ashley's here. We're going to the park. Get ready."

The 4 of them were on their way to the park and Ashley spent the afternoon playing with Julian, trying to make up for the last two weeks. Watching them, Madison's heart was breaking. She knew how much Julian loved Ashley and because she was absent most of the time, he really looked forward to being with her and she knew that despite her many flaws and her many problems, Ashley loved her little boy to death. And for a few hours, she had the feeling that the old Ashley was back, but she also knew that soon enough Ashley's demons would be resurfacing leaving a trail of hurt and disappointment in the process.

They got back to the house, Spencer had called saying that she would come and pick up Julian around 6pm. When they got to the house, Madison saw that Aiden was back early from work and she dreaded the confrontation with Ashley. Now, all they did was fight when they were together. Aiden could barely stand being in her presence. She looked at Ashley and she saw that Ashley felt it too. The kids got out of the car and Ashley started to speak.

"Maybe I should just go!" she said.

"Don't you dare, Ash. You're staying here until Spence comes and picks him up because you don't know how he gets when you leave and only Spence manages to deal with this."

They both got out of the car and followed the kids inside.

"Daddy, you're home!" yelled Amy.

"Hey Pumpkin! " he said kissing his daughter. "Hey, Buddy!" he said to Julian.

"Come on, Julian, let's go to my room." Amy said and the two kids raced upstairs laughing.

"Hi Aiden." Said ashley softly.

"Ashley." he just answered before disappearing in the kitchen.

Ashley and Madison sat down on the couch. The kids were running upstairs.

"Mom, can we watch a movie ?" asked Amy from upstairs.

"Ill be right back." Said Madison to Ashley making her way upstairs.

Aiden came out of the kitchen, a soda in his hands. They remained silent for a while then Aiden started to speak.

"So, I hear you showed up late again, Ash!" he said.

"Aiden, don't start!" Interrupted Madison with a firm voice.

"Don't start what, Hon. I'm just asking, what came up that was so important that she didn't bother to call!"

Ashley knew she couldn't defend herself so she remained quiet.

"What, Ash. You're out of answers!" he said irritated.

"Aiden, that's enough." Madison said. "What are you playing at ?"

"I"m not playing, Mads. But I got a call today from Arthur and guess what Spence called him this morning. So, I hear it was quite a show last night, showing up wasted on Spencer's door."

"It's not your business Aiden." Said Ashley getting angry.

"That's were you're wrong." He said stepping forward. "I won't let you hurt them anymore."

"They're not your family, Aiden." Said Ashley getting up. "Why don't you take care of your family and let me handle mine."

"Yeah because you're doing such a good job!" he said. "Have you looked in the mirror lately, Ash ?"

"Guys, that's enough." Madison tried to interrupt. "Keep your voices down, the kids are upstairs."

"You know what, I'm sick of you attacking me all the time, Aiden!" Ashley said. "What goes on between me and Spencer is just between the two of us. You have no right to butt in."

"You don't deserve someone like Spencer." He finally stated.

"What!" Ashley said looking like she had been punched in the stomach.

"You heard me, she's too good for her own good. If it were me, I would have thrown you out long ago, I wouldn't have stuck like that."

"Well Thank God, you're not Spencer, then. But nice to know where you stand. You better be careful, Madison." She said.

"Hey, don't you dare say anything." Suddenly yelled Madison. "Because I happen to agree with him. You're lucky with Spencer and you don't even know it. Because you still get to see your son whenever you want."

"Oh yeah, I'm so lucky. I can't even see him without supervision."

"And whose fucking fault is that, Ashley?" yelled Aiden. "He almost died because of your recklessness and believe me when I say that if it was me or even Madison, you wouldn't be allowed anywhere near him or only once a month under heavy monitoring. Spencer lets you see him whenever you want and it still takes you two fucking weeks to answer her calls. When are you going to wake up, Ashley ?"

"I don't have to listen to this bullshit !" Ashley yelled.

"What ? Did we hurt your feelings ? How dare we speak this way to the famous Ashley Davies ? Oh and by the way, nice pictures Ash." he said throwing a magazine at her.

"So, it's just fucking tabloids." She said looking at pictures of her obviously wasted and sandwiched between two young girls.

"Tabloids that people look at including Spencer. Haven't you done enough ? Why do you keep on hurting her like that ? Do you realise that it affects Julian as well."

"I don't see how, he's not reading the tabloids!"

"No but some of the parents at his school do and some of their kids hear the comments ! Spencer and I had to spend one hour with the teachers because Amy and Julian got angry at some kids who were calling you names. They're only 5 years old, Ashley. And it also affects my daughter. God, how Ashley, how can you be so self centered ?"

"What's going on, here ?" said a voice from behind.

"Spence. I thought you were coming at 6pm." Said Madison.

"Yeah, I finished a little bit earlier." She said looking at the three of them. "What's going on ?"

"Nothing, just Aiden, putting his nose in our business as usual." Ashley said.

"Where are the kids ?" Spencer asked.

"Don't worry, they're upstairs watching Scooby-Doo." Said Madison.

"Your wife is making the front page again." Said Aiden handing the magazine to Spencer.

Spencer looked at the pictures and Ashley saw the look of hurt in her eyes. That look that made her ache for her deliverance, the bottle that made her forget who she was and what pain she was causing. Drowning whatever troubles she had, that's what she needed at the moment. She felt her hand starting to shake.

"I can explain." Was all she said.

"Don't bother." Said Spencer firmly. "I don't care. I just wanted to see if you could spend the evening with Julian and I because I need to talk to you once he gets to bed."

Ashley knew deep down that it didn't sound so good.

"Yeah, I will." She said smiling but her smile was lost on her wife and two friends. It had lost its meaning. If felt so fake.


	5. What went wrong!

**Chapter 5 – What went wrong**

**Dennison House**

Spencer's arrival put an end to the fight but Aiden was fuming and Madison tried her best to calm him down. Ashley was upstairs with Julian and Amy and Spencer was in the living room while Madison and Aiden argued in the kitchen. She hated being the subject of their argument, not so much her but Ashley. But Ashley and her were one whole thing. Sometimes she wondered how did she let it get this far, if she hadn't made a mistake by trying to stick with Ashley that long. Perhaps if she had left before, Ashley would be clean by now. She got up and made her way to the backyard and sat down by the pool.

They used to be so happy, what went wrong ? At first, she started to notice changes in Ashley's behavior, late nights, always on edge. She thought she was just tired, the tours, the promos, recording sessions... She tried to get her to slow down and even cancel her european tour or at least postpone it while she was getting back on her feet, but Ashley refused. The concerts were sold out and she didn't want to disappoint. After the tour, Ashley came back and was more and more distant barely spending anytime at home with her and Julian. All their conversations soon started to turn into fights, Spencer not knowing what was going on in Ashley's mind.

Then one day, Spencer decided to surprise Ashley and came unannounced in the recording studio. What she saw would always remained engraved in her mind. Ashley was half naked on top of a young girl who must have been 18 or 19 years old while snorting coke from the table near the couch they were on. The two musicians who Spencer knew very well were obviously completely high.

Instead of confronting Ashley right away, Spencer left and asked Aiden and Madison to take Julian for the night. He was a little more than 2 years-old at the time. When Ashley came home that evening, they fought like they never fought before. Apparently, it had been going on for 2 months and after an all night fight, Ashley promised to get some help. And she did, but it lasted only a short time and soon enough Ashley was partying with her band way too much, and one month later the first tabloid picture of Ashley in a compromising situation made their appearances.

The famous rock star was now partying hard with her bandmates while she had a wife and a 2 year-old at home.

She often came home drunk after her nights in clubs or bars, most of the time driven home by her producer and friend Mark Taylor. Many times, Spencer and Mark tried to help Ashley but she wouldn't listen saying that she didn't have a problem, she was just having a good time.

Spencer fought Ashley on everything for two years and tried to get her to see that she was slowly destroying herself and was losing everyone around her. But then Ashley's third album was even more successful than the previous two and Ashley was absent most of the time, on tour or promoting the singles or whatever excuse she could use to be away from home. Despite everything, Spencer stayed with Ashley, forgiving the indiscretions but fighting her whenever she could, asking her to stop her partying and spend time at home. These two years had been a nightmare for Spencer and everyone was urging her to call it quits but she refused. Ashley was her one and only and she didn't want to leave her alone. At times, it felt like a shadow of the old Ashley was coming out to the surface and they had some good days where they were a family again. But Ashley had become a champion of hiding her problem and while she made no secret of her night activities, she seemed to be sober during the day. Their relationship had really taken a turn for the worse but Spencer forced herself to stick around for Ashley's sake. And then came the point of no return, when despite Ashley's promises, she had made the unforgivable mistake and endangered their son's life. Spencer had forgiven a lot but what happened that day, Spencer could not forgive and she finally threw in the towel and had told Ashley that she was leaving her.

She moved out the next day and spent a week at Aiden and Madison's house before finding a small house. Spencer had no choice but to have a court order stating that Ashley could not see Julian alone, there had to be some supervision or she wouldn't be allowed to see him. Ashley had complied and Spencer knew there wouldn't be any problem because she knew how much Ashley loved Julian and that's why Spencer encouraged, despite everyone's disapproval, the frequent visits. But Ashley made it difficult and Julian was starting to suffer.

Everytime Ashley had to leave after spending time with him, the tantrums grew bigger and bigger and Spencer really had a hard time calming him down. He really didn't understand why Ashley couldn't stay. Ashley and Spencer sat him down and tried to explain to him why there were two houses now. Julian finally adjusted to the situation, but Ashley leaving was always a big deal even though it wasn't as hard as it was before. Just a few tears that Spencer always managed to dry until the next ones.

While she dealt with her son's suffering, Spencer had to deal with her own as well. Even though she was the one leaving, Spencer missed Ashley. She missed her wife, her lover and her friend. Many nights were spent crying even though she knew she had made the right choice. But then again, Spencer had cried so many times even when she was still with Ashley, not understanding why her wife was destroying herself like that, why she couldn't talk to her, if somehow she was the one to blame for Ashley's behavior. After she had left her, she knew that Ashley was hurting as well but she couldn't give in or this cycle would never end. And almost one year later, it hadn't ended. Ashley had tried to get some help again, going into rehab only to get out 3 days after and showed up to Amy's birthday completely drunk. She knew Ashley was still doing coke on occasions, but now alcohol was her poison of choice.

Spencer felt a hand on her shoulder and Aiden sat beside her.

"Hey, Spence! Sorry about earlier but she just gets to me."

"I know, Aiden. I know."

"So, how was your meeting with your pusblisher ?"

"Fine, we're going to publish the third one in the series within a few months if I can meet the deadline that is. I'm still not sure how I want to end this one. " She laughed.

"Don't worry...You'll do great and get me the first copy because Amy is dying to read the next adventures of Leah and Lucas and what world they will step into next."

"Don't worry, I'll get you the first copy."

"You're doing good."

"Well, it's no Harry Potter but I'm pretty proud of it."

"You better be because we're all proud of you, even Ashley. She has a hard time showing it these days but she is proud of you."

"Thanks Aiden."

"You're welcome, Sweetie. Ashley is getting Julian ready."

"Ok." She said getting up.


	6. Bad News

**Chapter 6 – Bad News**

**Spencer'****s apartment**

Spencer and Julian were riding in Spencer's car followed by Ashley. The evening went pretty well and Ashley and Julian were having a good time. He had required Ashley to read him his bedtime story and Ashley happily accepted. Spencer stood in the doorway watching the two of them reading and laughing, the way it should be. She smiled at them and then reality was settling in once again. She knew this was just temporary and Madison had told her about Ashley showing up late when she promised she wouldn't. Spencer kissed Juliand goodnight and told Ashley that she was waiting for her downstairs. Once Julian was all tucked in, Ashley made her way downstairs.

"Hey, Peanut is all tucked in." Ashley said. "So what did you want to talk about ?"

"Ash, what happened today ?" Spencer asked with a frustrated tone.

"Do we have to fight tonight, Spence ?"

"No, we don't. Just tell me what happened!"

"Nothing, I was just late."

"Why are you lying, Ash ? I know you, you probably got drunk and fell asleep, your hands can barely stop shaking, Ash. And what's up with the pictures, I thought you were going to be more careful."

"Come on Spence, it's not my fault those damn paparazzi are everywhere. I didn't mean for this to happen."

"God, Ash, those girls are not even old enough to drink and they're in the front page almost fucking you on the couch. What the fuck are you doing ?"

"You know they don't mean anything, Spence. I didn't even sleep with them."

"I don't want to know Ash."

"But I want you to know. They don't mean anything."

"That's supposed to make me feel better Ash. You can fuck them for all I care, it wouldn't be the first time, would it ? But I'd like you to stop parading it in front of me, our family and friends."

"Listen, I'm sorry Ok."

"Yeah, you're always sorry Ash, but nothing ever changes."

"So, are you done ? Can I go now ?" Ashley asked sensing that nothing she could say would change Spencer's mind and there was nothing to say after all. And right now, she just wanted to drink so bad, she didn't have the energy to fight Spencer. She had managed to keep things under control all night, but now she needed something, just one glass would do it, nothing more.

"No, actually that's not quite what I wanted to talk to you about!"

"Ok, then what is it ?"

"I went to my lawyer this afternoon, Ash." She said handing papers to Ashley.

"What is this ?" Ashley asked incredulous.

"What do you think it is ?" Spencer answered. "Have your lawyer take a look at it and I think a mediation should settle everything. No need to go to court."

"Come on, Spence. You're not serious. We're just going through a rough patch but divorce, come on!"

"No, Ash. I'm serious. The last 3 years have been a rough patch, this is the end."

"And what about Julian ?"

"What about him, Ash ? You know perfectly well that until you're clean you won't be able to see him alone so how do you expect this to go. I get custody of him, Ash. But the deal won't change, you can see him whenever you want."

"But I still love you. I'm sure we can work it out, Spence. We just need some time"

"Ash, it has never been about love. But what did you expect, we've been separated for almost a year now and yet you haven't done a single thing to change Ash. You're still drunk most of the time. You drank today just like every other day, and Mark tells me that you completely messed up a recording session on Monday by showing up completely trashed at 11am and what are your plans for tonight, Ash ?"

Ashley didn't answer.

"I'm done, Ash. I'm done waiting for you, waiting for a sign that you want to make it better. I have asked you time and time again and you just won't listen to me. I'm sick of living like this. I need to move on. And now, I'm asking for you to make it final. You want to kill yourself, go ahead but I'm done watching you do it."

"So, this is it ?" Ashley asked and Spencer could sense the sadness in her voice but she didn't want to back down, not now.

"Yeah, Ash. This is it." She said as a matter-of-factly.


	7. Forget all your troubles

**Chapter 7 – Forget all your troubles**

Ashley slowly got up and looked like she had been hit by a train. She made her way to the door without saying goodbye and got into her car. She didn't know where to turn anymore, Spencer had been right, she had managed to lose everyone she cared about and now she was losing the love of her life for good. She had always hoped that despite leaving, Spencer would come back but now this hope had disappeared and Ashley felt emptier than ever. She just drove and drove around LA and after a while, she was making her way into her usual hangout. She ordered a Jack Daniels and asked the bartender to leave the bottle. Three hours later, Ashley was stumbling out of the bar and into a cab the bartender had called for her after seeing that she was barely able to walk.

"What's the adress, Miss ?" asked the cab driver.

"How the h-hh-helllll shoould I kn-know ?" Ashley slurred.

"Do you have a cell phone, Miss Davies ?" asked the bartender who was becoming familiar with the star's antics.

"Yep!" she said.

"Give it to me ?" he said.

"Nope." She said giggling.

"Come on , give it to me." He said.

"Ashley finally reached in her pocket "Then take it if you can!" she said waving the phone all around.

The bartender caught the cell phone and looked through her directory. The first name in was Aiden.

"Miss Davies, do you know Aiden ?" he asked her.

"Yep. He's my friend, altough he doesn't like me very much at the moment."

The bartender dialed the number.

"Hello Ashley!" said a male voice sounding not so happy.

"No, I'm sorry, it's not Ashley. I'm a bartender, I work at The French Connection. Well, I'm with Ashley here trying to send her on her way via a cab but she won't give us any address, I was hoping you could help me."

Aiden thought about it and decided to give his own address not wanting people to know where Ashley lived.

"Well, send her my way. I'll get her home safely." Aiden gave his address. And hung up.

Twenty minutes later, a cab pulled up his driveway and Aiden got out of his house. He paid the driver and helped Ashley into the house. She was completely trashed and could barely stand up.

"Jesus, Ash, look at yourself ?" asked Aiden.

"Aiden!" she yelled "how nice to see you ?"

"Aiden, shut her up!" said Madison "She's going to wake up Amy."

Aiden took Ashley in their basement that they had rearranged as a guestroom.

"I think it's better you sleep it off here. We'll go get your car in the morning." He said laying her down.

"You know that she's divorcing me. Now, it's really over." She said between sobs. "I've lost her, I've lost the best thing in my life."

"I know, Ash. We'll talk about it in the morning."He said.


	8. Morning Talk

**Chapter 8 – Morning talk**

The next morning, Madison had dropped off Amy at one of her friends where she would spend the day and Aiden and her were waiting for Ashley to emerge.

Around noon, Ashley came upstairs and Madison was in the kitchen.

"God, I have a huge headache. Can you hand me an aspirin or maybe just kill me." She said to Madison.

"Here." She said handing over the aspirin. "Are you hungry ?"

"No. But I wouldn't say no to coffee." She said as she poured herself a cup.

"Ash, what happened last night. I thought you were supposed to have dinner at Spencer's and the next thing we know you're dropped off here completely trashed."

"To be honest, last night is kind of a blur. I don't remember anything."

"Figures. Ashley you can't keep doing this."

"Come on, not now Madison. I have a headache and I don't want to deal with this." She said.

"Then maybe you can explain this, Ashley ?" she said putting a small baggie on the table.

"Where did you get this ?"

"Well, Aiden thought it would be nice to bring you a fresh set of clothes so he went to get some and look what he found along with an empty bottle."

"It's none of your business."

"I thought you were done doing coke."

"For your information, I didn't. It was just there, a gift from a friend."

"That's some friend you got. It's no wonder Spencer doesn't want to take Julian to the house."

At the mention of Spencer, Ashley felt her chest tighten. And then it came back to her, the papers that she was handed yesterday.

"Yeah, well it doesn't matter anymore."

"Why ?"

"Because Spencer doesn't want to deal with me anymore. She's asking for divorce."

"Can you blame her ? The only surprise there is how long it took her to finally do it." Interrupted Aiden.

"Aiden's right, Ashley. It's been a long time coming."

The brunette couldn't contain it anymore and Aiden and Madison saw her sink down on the floor and started crying. Aiden looked at his wife and slightly nodded to her. She left the room leaving Aiden and Ashley in the kitchen. Aiden put his arms around her and Ashley's crying intensified.

"How could I have let this happen, Aiden ?" she asked crying. "How did it get so bad ? I've lost her, Aiden. I love her so goddamn much, I can't lose her. I'm nothing without her."

"She loves you too, Ash. You have no idea. She can't just bear watching you kill yourself anymore. And she's trying to protect Julian as well."

Ashley kept crying. "Protect my son from me, I know. After what I did, I tried to get better, but I felt so guilty and she had left. I just couldn't do it."

"We love you, Ash. But if you keep doing this to you, not only are you going to lose Spencer, but Julian as well. When we told you, you were lucky to have Spencer, we weren't kidding Ash. Many people in this case wouldn't allow you near him."

"I don't know what to do, Aiden. All I know is if I lose my family, I might as well be dead, because I won't survive without them in my life. I just want them back, Aiden. I want Spencer back, I want my son back, I want my life back."

"You know what to do, Ash. Get some help, Get clean! No more alcohol and no more drugs!"

"I tried, it didn't work." She said.

"Bullshit." Yelled Aiden. "You didn't try, you went to some pseudo celebrity rehab center where you can just check out after two days and the next day you were boozing it up again. That's not how it works, Ash."

"I don't know if I'm ready, Aiden and I've got a few concerts lined up."

"Then let me tell you something, Ashley." He said getting angry. "If you aren't willing to change, then don't come crying to us because this is the last time we're helping you. If you think the idea of losing Spencer is unbearable, wait until you've lost her for good. Because you're heading straight into the wall and nobody but yourself can stop you now. You want your wife and son back then it's time for you to fight for them and face your demons Ashley because in the end nobody else but you can do it. And stop giving us excuses, concerts can be cancelled or postponed. You have to make a choice Ashley and I just pray that you make the right one because if you don't, when you really fall Ash, there will be no one to catch you."

Aiden left Ashley alone in the kitchen. She knew all this, how many times had she heard the same thing from Spencer's mouth. She knew deep down that right now she was at a crossroad. She took out her phone and dialed a number.

"Hello, Ash." She heard Spencer say.

"Hey, Spence. I was wondering if I could see you guys today. I need to talk to you."

"Are you drunk, Ash! Because if you are or if you're planning to empty a bottle before I see you, then don't bother. Plus I'm at my parents house today so there is no way you're showing up drunk, not after last time."

"No, I'm not, I swear. I'm at Aiden's at the moment, but I can go to your parents from there. Will you see me?"

"Yes, but I'm serious Ash, no funny business." She said.

"I promise." She said.

"yeah, I've heard that before. Anyway, I'll see you later then."

**Carlin's House. **

"Who was it, Honey ?" asked Paula

"That was Ash. She had something she wanted to talk about so she's coming here."

"I don't want her here!" said Paula.

"Come on, Mom! She won't make a scene, she's just coming to talk and she'll be sober."

"Like I'm going to believe that."

"Well, as long as I do, that's enough, Mom. She seemed sincere."

"She's sick, Spence. It doesn't matter if she is sincere or not, the fact is you don't know for sure if she'll actually show up sober."

"Well, for today let's give her the benefit of the doubt. And I know how to handle her if she's drunk."

"I really don't understand why you keep doing this, Spencer. You have tried to help her before, she's never listened, what difference today is going to make."

"Maybe none. But when she asks to speak to me, I won't let her down, Mom. That's just not me."

"I thought you were asking for divorce."

"I am. But we have a son together, so no matter what happens, she won't be out of my life. And I want her involved in Julian's life so if there is a slight chance that she'll clean up her act, then I'll be there for her."

**Dennison House. **

"Aiden, can you drop me off at the Carlins house, I need to talk to Spence."

"Ok, give me you car keys. Madison and I will go get your car and bring it back to your house."

"Thank you Aiden. I'm serious."

"Yeah, well. We'll see how serious you are. Have you given any thought to what we just talked about."

"Yes,and I need to talk to Spencer."

"Ok, then get ready and let's go!"


	9. Decision

**Chapter 9 – Decision**

**Carlin's House**

Half and hour later, Aiden and Madison were dropping her off at the Carlin house. Ashley made her way inside the house.

"Hello, somebody there ?" she yelled.

"In the backyard, Ashley." She heard from Arthur.

Ashley made her way outside.

"Hey, Mr C." She said hugging him.

"Hello, Ashley. How are you ?" He asked.

"I'm fine. And You?"'

"Not too bad, not too bad." He smiled.

She saw Spencer and Julian playing on the swingset and couldn't help but smile. How could she throw away all this ?

"Hello, Ashley. Nice to see you actually kept your promise this time." Said Paula.

"Hello Paula. I'm glad to see you too." She said sarcastically.

Ashley made her way to Spencer and Julian.

"Mama!" he said.

"Hey Baby. You having fun with Mommy."

"Yep. Guess, we're going to the zoo after. You're coming with us?"

"No, I can't baby. Mama can't stay today. I just came to talk to mommy." She said taking him in his arms. "But I swear, soon we'll do something special. Just you, me and mommy, Ok."

"Ok." He said with his small voice that had a tendancy to break Ashley's heart.

"Ok, Baby. Listen Mama needs to have a grown up talk with mommy. Can you just go play with Grandpa."

"But I wanna stay with you !" he whined.

"Come on Buddy." Interrupted Arthur. "Lets' go play some videogame."

"ok!" he said.

"Thanks Dad." Said Spencer. "So, Ash what did you want to talk about ?"

"Want to go for a walk, Spence ?" she asked.

"Ok, let's go." She said. "mom, we're going for a walk, we won't be long." She added to Paula's attention.

The two girls went outside. They walked for a while in silence. Spencer finally broke it.

"Ash, it's not like I don't enjoy walking with you, but why are you here ?"

"Listen, Spence. About this divorce thing... I just thought that... maybe...I just want...If you can..."

"You're going to make a sentence anytime soon, Ash." She laughed.

God, that laugh...Ashley always loved her laugh, it brought back so many memories of happier times. Times she wishes she could get back.

"I just wanted to know if maybe you were willing to reconsider it ?" she finally said.

"No, Ash. Why would I do that ? You and I are not together anymore, we haven't been together in a year."

"I still love you, Spence. This hasn't changed despite everything else."

"Don't think I don't know that, Ash. Because I do, I truly do. Otherwise I wouldn't have stuck with you. I also know that no one on this earth has ever hurt me the way you did."

"Those girls never meant anything, Spence. None of them even compared to you." She said sadly.

"Yes there was that. You have no idea how much that hurt Ash, seeing pictures of you with those girls. Knowing that their hands had been on you, that they've been inside you, that you touched them the way you touched me. You were supposed to be just mine, being humiliated publicly like that. You have no idea how much that hurt and I don't think you'll ever do."

"I never touched them the way I touched you Spence. There was no love there, it was just a mistake."

"A mistake that happened 3 times. But there was the rest, Ash. The way you keep refusing my help, the way you talked to me. I'm sure you don't even remember half the things you said to me, Ash and believe me when you want to, you can be very cruel and then..."

"Julian." Ashley simply stated a voice full of sadness.

"I don't know if I can ever forgive you for that, Ash. We almost lost him because of you. If we had, I would have killed you with my bare hands, I swear."

"But we didn't." She tried to say, regretting the words as soon as they left her mouth.

"You got lucky, Ash. DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT." Spencer yelled now angry. "And I thought this was going to wake you up, but no, you kept drinking and drinking."

"I'm sorry."

"Save it. I'm sick of hearing you say you're sorry. Do you even mean it anymore ? So I'm asking you again, why would I reconsider the divorce. You and I, maybe we're just not meant to be together."

"You don't mean that ! I know you don't mean it. I know you still love me, Spence because I can see it in your eyes."

"I never said I didn't love you. I said that maybe we weren't meant to be. We had our chance and we fucked it up pretty good."

"You mean, I fucked it up."

"Well, I'm not the one drinking away my pain, that's for sure."

They kept walking, silence settling again between them.

"I need help, Spencer. I want to get better, I want my family back, I want you back." Ashley stated simply.

"I can help with the first part if you're serious about it and not the pseudo rehab you did to keep me off your back. But I don't know about the second part. I'm not like you, Ash. I won't make empty promises. There was a time, I would have given everything to hear those words from you and I would have taken you back in a heartbeat but now, I don't know, Ash."

Ashley knew deep down that this wasn't going to be easy and she really didn't expect Spencer to jump of joy screaming "yeah, take me back, take me back." All she needed was a little glimmer of hope that it could happen, that she could come bak to her. Spencer had been her first and only love and Ashley had no desire to change things. She had wanted Spencer since they were 16 years old and 13 years later, she still wanted Spencer with the same intensity. And if there was hope that she could get her back, then she would fight for it even if it killed her.

"Get clean, Ash. Learn to live without destroying yourself, be the woman and the mother I know you can be. Give us back the Ashley we all knew and loved, give me back the girl I fell in love with, be there for Julian and we'll see where we stand when you're ready."

"Then, where do I start ?" asked Ashley looking deep inside the blue eyes that she fell in love with all those years ago.

"Come with me." Answered Spencer taking her by the hand.

They made their way back into the house and Spencer went to talk to Arthur while Ashley played with Julian.

15 minutes later, Spencer came out in the backyard.

"Ash, can you come in the kitchen." She called.

"I'm coming. Ok, Baby, why don't you go help Grandma over there and I'll be right back."

"Ok."

Ashley made her way into the kitchen and Arthur was waiting, his back against the counter.

"Ashley, Spencer told me that this time you're serious about getting some help."

"Yes, Mr C."

"That means no getting out after two days, you complete the program, the 28 days at the facility and the follow up as well, which means regular AA meetings and probably counseling sessions. Because let me tell you that if this is another one of your "I'll do it, no problem" and then nothing changes, then don't bother Ashley. I'm serious. Because I won't allow you to keep hurting my daughter and my grandson."

"No, this time, it's for real, Mr C."

"Ok, then I have the facility that can help you. It's not far, it's isolated and they have a few celebrities which means they are discreet. I think it'll be perfect for you, it's near the ocean, very quiet and a peaceful place. But they are very strict. There will be no getting out before completion of the full 28 days and no visits at all the first week. The only visits allowed will probably be Spencer and Julian, maybe Aiden and Madison but that's it. No one from your professional entourage, no one that could disrupt your rehabilitation.

The counseling sessions are mandatory, whether it's group therapy or individual sessions. And there will probaly be a few sessions with Spencer.

"I understand." Ashley said.

"I want to make sure you understand, Ash." said Arthur. "This is your last chance, if you do not follow the rules, if there is any problem coming from you, then don't bother again, you won't be welcome here anymore. Are we clear ?"

"Yes, we're perfectly clear." She said. She knew Arthur wasn't kidding. This was probably the first time he had spoken to her this way.

"Ash, this won't be a stroll in the park. The first week is going to be hell, I won't lie to you, especially the first two days. This is why they don't allow visitors at first. You need to get rid of your addiction." He added.

Ashley just nodded.

"Spencer and I have called them up, we explained who you were and if you're really willing, you can get in today."

"Then the sooner, the better." Ashley said.

"Ok, then Spencer will drive you there and I'll warn them that you're coming in today."

"We'll go by the house and pick up some clothes for you and whatever you may need and then we'll drive there." Said Spencer.

"Thank you Mr C." She said.

"I know you can do it, Ash." He said hugging her. "Do it for them." He whispered in her ear "They deserve it."

Spencer made her way outside to her son who was playing in the small treehouse. She took Julian in her arms and sat down with him for a minute.

"Listen, Peanut, Mommy has to go somewhere with Mama. I'll be back later, so you'll go to the zoo with Grandma and grandpa and I want you to behave. Ok ?"

"But I want to go with you and Mama."

"I know, baby, but you can't today. But I promise I won't be too long and tomorrow we'll go to the beach try your new kite, OK."

She saw Ashley sit by their side and Julian went from Spencer's arms into Ashley's.

"Hey, big guy, listen I will see you very soon. Mama has to go somewhere for a while you'll come visit me with Mommy."

"When ?" he asked

"Soon, Peanut. Soon." Ashley said and she felt the tears coming up so she took a deep breathe. She hated the small voice Julian took when he was sad and wanted to let people know that he was sad. It always felt like this was all her fault, if she hadn't mess up their lives in the first place then her son wouldn't be so sad. And she couldn't bear the idea of making him unhappy and yet she did. When she started to feel like that, usually she was running to the first bottle she could find but not today and not again, she told herself mentally. This had to stop, she promised herself that this was the last time she was seeing her son like that.

"So, give me a big hug." She continued "and you and Mommy will come see me soon. Ok ?"

Ashley hugged her son as long as she could but she knew she had to let go at some point and she was glad that Spencer wasn't rushing her.

"Now, you be good with Grandpa and Grandma today." She said to Julian before letting go of him.

Ashley said goodbye to Arthur and Paula and she and Spencer made their way to Spencer's car.

"So, we'll drop by the house so you can get your stuff and we'll go from there." Said Spencer to Ashley.

"Thanks Spence, for doing this."

"Don't worry." She said.

"No, I mean it Spence. Despite everything, you haven't completely shut me out and you're still here even though we're not together and I just want you to know how thankful I am. I don't think I ever told you that."

"You're welcome." Spencer just answered before driving away from her parents house.


	10. Getting Ready

**Author's note : ****First of all, a big THANK YOU to those who left feedback, it is highly appreciated and I'm glad you all seem to enjoy the story so far. **

**Also, I'm updating with 2 more chapters and you'll probably get a few more chapters this week in which we will start our deeper look into Spencer and Ashley's life from the time they met until now. **

**Chapter 10 : ****Getting Ready**

**Carlin-Davies House**

Spencer pulled up in the driveway and they made their way inside the house. Upon entering the house, Spencer was submerged by those familiar smells. She used to love these smells and this house. After all, she had lived in this house for 7 years. It was the first thing Ashley had bought for them once they had decided to make a life together. She did like the small house she was in right now, but deep inside she knew it never felt like home, first because Ashley was not in it and because she could never hear the ocean like she could in this house. It was so close to the beach and completely hidden from view at the same time. Ashley couldn't have found a better house even if she had tried.

She also knew that Julian missed this house and he had let her know at first that he wasn't too happy about the change of scenery but he had adjusted after a lot of convincing and talking.

Spencer followed Ashley upstairs but stopped at the door of their old room not daring enter it.

"What are you doing ?" asked Ashley from inside the room.

"Nothing, you don't need my help for this." She answered. But the truth is that this room was so full of memories that she didn't want to bring back at the moment. The laughters, the lazy saturday afternoons, the sunday morning games in bed with Julian, the romantic nights and the numerous lovemaking sessions over the years. All this was too much at the moment and this was also a reason why Spencer avoided the house like plague. And by looking at the guest bedroom, it seemed that Ashley was avoiding their old bedroom as well.

Ashley gathered her clothes and other belongings.

"Do you think it will be enough clothes ?" she asked.

"If it's not, when I'm coming to visit you, just give me a call before and I'll bring some more if you need."

"So, you will come ?" asked Ashley, a little bit unsure of herself.

"Of course, I will! What kind of question is that?" answered Spencer as if no other option had even occured to her.

"Ok. Good." Just said Ashley softly. "So, if you can just look after the house while I'm not there. Paolo is coming every other tuesday for the yard and Eric and Johnny..."

"are coming every wednesday to clean the pool. I know that, Ash. You forgot that I'm the one who hired them in the first place." Finished Spencer.

"Yeah! I forgot." She smiled.

"Ok, so finish up here and I'll wait for you downstairs." Just said Spencer leaving Ashley alone in the room.

Spencer made her way downstairs and into the kitchen. Apparently, Ashley had cleaned the living room but she forgot the kitchen. It was a mess, and a few empty bottles on the counter. Spencer shook her head and started cleaning up a little.

"You don't have to do that!" she heard from behind. "I'll do it."

Spencer turned around and looked at Ashley who looked like a kid getting caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar.

"That's fine. Don't worry." Spencer just said with no emotion, after all it wasn't the first time she was cleaning after Ashley. "You're ready to go ?"

"Yeah, I think."

Spencer and Ashley finished cleaning up the kitchen in silence and they were on their way. The car ride was mostly silent, both of them deep in thought. The ride felt very short to Ashley and before she knew it, Spencer was pulling into a parking lot.

"This is it, you're ready, Ash ?" she asked.

"As ready as I'll ever be." She just answered.

They both got out of the car and Ashley looked around. Arthur wasn't kidding when he said the place was peaceful and quiet. They were barely any noise around and you could definitely hear the waves crashing. The beach was hidden from view but the sounds indicated that it wasn't very far.

A few people were walking around, some were talking and smoking. Everything seemed so far away from reality.

"You're coming, Ash." Said Spencer shaking Ashley from her thoughts.

They both made their way inside and were welcomed by a nurse whose nametag indicated that her name was Helen.


	11. Welcome

**Chapter 11 : Welcome**

"Hello, my name is Helen and you must be Ms Davies." The nurse said looking directly at Ashley.

"Yes, but you can call me Ashley and this is my wife Spencer." Ashley answered.

"Well, nice to meet you both. If you can both follow me, we'll go complete the paperwork and get you settled." She just said smiling.

The woman had this reassuring smile on her face that somehow seemed to calm Ashley's nerves a little bit. They both followed her to a small office.

"Please take a seat and Mr Andrews will be with you in a minute. I will be at the front desk if you need anything and I'll see you in a bit." She said before closing the door.

"You're Ok, Ash ?" asked Spencer.

"Yeah, just nervous that's all."

"Don't worry, you'll be fine and I'm proud of you for doing it."

Before Ashley could answer, they were interrupted by a man, dark hair with a little bit of grey, green eyes, in his forties and quite tall.

"Hello, I'm Jeremy Andrews."

"Hi, Mr Andrews, I'm Spencer, we talked on the phone earlier today."

"Yes. So that makes you Ashley."

Ashley nodded "Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too, Ashley. I will be your counselor during your stay here so you and I are going to get to know each other pretty well over the next month." He said smiling.

Ashley couldn't help but get more and more nervous, but she knew what she was getting into.

"So, if you can just fill this and answer the questions on the back and we will get you settled."

Ashley filled the forms and handed them back to him.

"So, Ashley, Helen will get you settled in one of the rooms we have on the second floor. It's a private room. Any questions so far ?" he asked.

"No, not really, if can just explain to me exactly how it's going to go."

"Well, its' simple. First things first, you'll be in detox until Tuesday. Nurses will be at your service 24 hours a day for this, if you have any problem just call them. Detox is hell, I won't lie to you because we need your body to get rid of the addiction. We have mandatory individual sessions during this period two times a day. It's going to be rough but people are here to help you.

Once you've gone through detox, well it's simple we basically help you to slowly rebuild yourself and prepare you for the return outside. But I just want you to understand this right now, one month is very very short and some of our patients don't feel that they are ready after one month to go back into the world. We'll see with you after one month if you're ready. Then you'll have the choice to extend your stay, but if you think that you are ready, you need to follow up outside with AA meetings and counseling sessions that can be conducted here if you wish.

We'll go through the details during our first session together which is planned tomorrow afternoon at 2pm. The first day, we usually go with one session because believe tomorrow morning you might not feel up to it."

"Ok, so far I'm clear. "

"Good. Now, during detox, we don't allow phone calls so once you complete detox, you will be able to call. As for the visits, they are usually on sundays and since next sunday will be one week for you, you will be able to get visitors. Now our rule is the less visitors you get, the better. It usually is more relaxing for the patient to have one or two visitors at the same time and not more. Also, we usually only allow close members of the family because we don't want anyone that could disrupt your healing process. So, from what you have indicated on the form I guess that will be your wife and son and two of your close friends, Mr and Mrs Dennison. That's fine, but I suggest that for your first visit, only your wife comes."

"Ok." Ashley just answered.

"Now, one last thing, the individuals sessions are mandatory. They will be conducted once a day after you get out of the detox program. You can join the group sessions if you want. We leave that up to the patient as we know some people are not comfortable sharing with others and our purpose here is to help you get better. I will let you know which group you can join and it's really up to you after that."

"So, I can just go to one session and if I don't like it, I don't have to go again."

"That's right. Some people find it helpful to know they're not alone, some are just uncomfortable that's why we're not making these mandatory. Finally, Spencer, for married couples, we usually require the other party to attend two sessions a week and even though you are separated, if you're here with her, I assume you want to be involved."

"Yes, that's right. So just let me know when these sessions are and I'll be there." Said Spencer.

"Well, Ashley and I will discuss it and I will let you know. I think that's all you need to know for tonight. So, if you're ready Ashley, we will get you settled." He said getting up.

Spencer and Ashley both got up and followed him outside and back to the front desk where Helen was busy with one patient.

"Well, I will leave you here and I'll see you tomorrow afternoon at 2pm Ashley in my office. Spencer, it was nice to meet you and I'll see you soon."

"Thank you Mr Andrews." Said Spencer.

"Please, call me Jeremy." He smiled at her.

"Thanks Jeremy." Finished Ashley.

Helen finally finished with the other patient looked at Ashley.

"You're ready, kiddo ?" she smiled.

Ashley smiled at her and looked at Spencer. "So, I guess this is goodbye for now ?" she said

"Yes." Spencer just answered and took Ashley's hand in hers. A simple gesture she hadn't done in such a long time which brought a small smile on Ashley's face. "So, I'll expect your call on Tuesday and I'll see you on Sunday." She added.

"Ok." Ashley simply said.

"You can do it, Ash." Said Spencer.

"I don't know." Answered Ashley who seemed to grow more and more terrified by the minute.

"But I know and you just need to know you're not alone. You have people here to help you and we are rooting for you outside, Ok ?"

"You give a big hug to Peanut for me, Ok ?"

"I will and you'll talk to him on Tuesday."

Ashley looked at Helen. The woman still smiling was not rushing them and Ashley was grateful for it. Spencer seeing the nervousness on Ashley's face, took a step towards her and hugged her. Also something that she hadn't done in quite a while. She felt Ashley relax a little in her arms. She whispered in her ear "you be strong, Ash." And she let go of her.

"I will, for you and Peanut." Ashley just said.

"That's all I need to hear." Spencer answered.

Ashley looked at Helen. "I'm ready, we can go."

Spencer smiled at Ashley and said goodbye one more time. Then Helen asked Ashley to follow her and with one last look and one last smile, Ashley disappeared upstairs with Helen. Spencer made her way to the car.


	12. First Night part 1

**Chapter 12****: First Night (Part 1)**

**Author's Note****: Thanks to those who left feedback. I'm glad you like the story. One more chapter up for now. I should have another one tomorrow. Sorry for the small delay, but I had a busy week and did not have much free time. **

Ashley followed Helen through a long hallway. The walk was silent and Ashley took a look at her surroundings. It felt more like a hospital than anything else, everything seemed to be so sterile, empty. Helen stopped in front of a room and entered and Ashley followed.

"Ok, so this is your room, it's not much but it's private."

Helen proceeded to give her the grand tour of the entire room which consisted in opening the bathroom door and showing her the bathroom.

"You can put your stuff in there." She said showing her a closet and they were interrupted by a knock at the door. Ashley looked up and saw another nurse, a woman who seemed to be in her late forties waiting at the door. Helen greeted the new arrival.

"Hi Sally, you're on night shift today ?"

"Yes I am with Betty, Mark and Carolyn. So, this is our new patient! Hi, I'm Sally."

"Nice to meet you, Sally. I'm Ashley." Ashley answered but she could see in the woman's eyes that she already knew that. Ashley had grown accustomed to strangers knowing who she was before she introduced herself. That was celebrity.

"So, once you're done putting all your stuff away, Sally will show you the main room where everyone just gathers and eats, and the rest of the center." Said Helen.

"So, I'll see you in 15 minutes." Said Sally to Ashley's attention.

"It was nice to meet you Ashley and I guess I will see you tomorrow." Helen said, a big smile on her face. Ashley still couldn't get over the fact that this woman seemed to have a soothing effect on her. Helen and Sally left the room and Ashley was left to her thoughts. Helen was this big woman that just radiated kindness and generosity, which in Ashley's world was so rare, basically inexistant. Everyone she ever met seemed to have ulterior motives and were fake. The only other person in her life who had this effect on her was Spencer and ironically Spencer was also one of those people who just radiated kindness, that just by looking at them, you could see that they tried hard at not letting the world taint their innocence. And she was glad that Julian seemed to have taken after Spencer in that department.But then again, Julian was a Spencer replica for which Ashley was very thankful.

She remembered that they tried to chose the donor with physical features similar to Ashley but fortunately (at least in Ashley's mind), Julian had mostly taken after Spencer, including those big blue eyes that Ashley loved to death. She remembered the first time she had seen Spencer's eyes, they were so mesmerizing, like she could drown herself in them and die happily. And when she looked into her son's eyes the first time and saw that same blue that she was so in love with, Ashley had cried and mentally thanked God for that.

Ashley shook her head and came back to reality. She looked around the room and felt all alone suddenly. She took her bag and started to put away all her stuff. Left by herself, Ashley could feel the small ache starting to creep deep inside. She had managed to keep it under control all day but now she knew it would be only a matter of time before it started to turn into something more. It always did and she always gave in. And the first symptom appeared when Ashley saw her hand shake. She caught her hand and tried to steady it. It worked for now, but she knew it was only temporary, it would get worse within a few hours. Fortunately, Sally reappeared and Ashley knew that at least she was going to be kept busy for a few more moments before she was once again alone with herself.

"So, you're ready, Ashley ?" asked Sally. Ashley noticed the gentle tone and couldn't help but notice that so far all the people she had met had been nothing but friendly, soft and gentle, so different than the harsh world she was living in.

"Yeah, I guess." She said, offering a small smile to the nurse.

"Then, let's get going." She said letting Ashley out of the room.

Sally led Ashley downstairs and into a huge room, obviously a cafeteria. The room was very busy and quite noisy compared to the rest of the building. She took a look around the room and people were at tables, eating, talking, laughing. Some were in groups, some were alone. Some people looked at her and Ashley recognized the look. That look that said "I know who you are." And suddenly Ashley felt somewhat uncomfortable, it's not like people hadn't ever heard of celebrities in rehab and her activities were sometimes front page material in the tabloids, but still. Fortunately, Sally seemed to have picked up on it and started moving towards an exit door.

"So, basically this is the main common room." Said Sally opening a door leading outside. "That's where you will be having lunch and dinner. People usually hang out here also during the day."

They were now both outside and everything seemed to have quieted down compared to the noise coming from the cafeteria. Ashley could hear the faint noise of the waves crashing. But again, it was hidden from view because of the trees. She couldn't help but think that the spot for this rehab center was perfect.

"You have a beach out there ?" she asked

"Yes, we do have a small private beach, which we'll see later."

"It's very quiet around here." Said Ashley.

"Indeed, and I think that's why people like it here. They just take it slow."

"I know what you mean."

"So, you can see that we do have some woods which are leading down to the beach. People like to walk around in the woods. And we have a few common rooms back there where you can go." She said pointing at two small cabins.

"There is one common room with a huge library if you like reading and another one with a TV and a pool table, ping pong table and other things like that and we also have stables with a few horses."

Sally led Ashley inside those two cabins and there were a few people in there but unlike the main cafeteria, people were here to have some peace. A few people looked up at her and went right back to what they were doing. After chatting up with one or two patients, Sally led Ashley to the stables where a few people were cleaning the stalls and feeding the horses. After that, they went into the woods.

"So, if you want to access the beach, you'll have to go through the woods. The beach is only opened until dark, after that there's no guards so we don't authorize it, we don't want any accidents."

"I understand."

They finally got to the beach. Ashley loved the ocean, always had, ever since she was a kid. She clearly remembered the first time she set foot in the water. Her Father had taken her, she might have been 5 years old. It had been a great day, between father and daughter. There were a few more, but not much, Ashley thought sadly, since he had died a few years after that. But this was her first time on a beach and the first time she had seen the ocean. They had spent the day playing in the water, building sandcastles, just the two of them.

They used to live in New York and moved to LA when Ashley was 5 years old, Ashley didn't remember anything of their lives in New York, she was too young. But by that time, both of her parents were becoming successful and her actress of a mother and rock star of a father decided to move to LA. That first time at the beach was engraved in Ashley's memory, she had never felt more at home than on a beach, sitting in the sand looking at the horizon. Many times, when she was a teenager, it had been her hideaway, away from her worries, away from her life and her mother if you could call her that. That's where she came when she needed to think and figure things out or just escape the madness temporarily. She had never let anyone intrude on her time there whether it was friends or boyfriends/girlfriends until Spencer came along. She remembered their first time at the beach, it was like Ashley had finally found the missing piece of the puzzle. And Ashley had been more than happy to share this part of her with Spencer. After that, they had spent countless times at the beach together and it made complete sense to her and Ashley to get married on the beach since it had become their own sanctuary.

There were a few people there and Ashley noticed the lifeguard just walking around. After a while, Sally led her back into the center. They went into the left part of the main building.

"So, this is where the therapy sessions are taking place, at least the group ones. The individual sessions with Jeremy will be in his office, I assume you know where it is ?" she asked.

"Yes." Answered Ashley.

"During your first session, Jeremy will recommend a group that you will be able to join if you feel up to it. Usually we're trying to dispatch as best we can so that the groups are not too big, this way it's easier to share."

Ashley didn't answer. She didn't know if group therapy was for her. She was already sick of having paparazzi invading her private life, so the idea of sharing all of her misshaps with a bunch of stangers did not sound very entertaining. She didn't completely dismiss the idea but she wasn't sure it was for her.

More than one hour had passed and Sally and Ashley were back at the front desk. Helen looked up at them and smiled.

"Ashley, your wife came back and left something for you. It's in your room." She just said before returning her attention to the man in front of her. "Listen Harry, if you need cigarettes, just go buy some because I don't have any." Ashley heard her tell the man.

"But they're out of cigarettes, Helen. I need one right now, come on." He whined.

Ashley smiled, she knew that cigarettes were like oxygen to addicts.

"I have one, if you want." Said Ashley getting the pack out of her pocket.

The man looked at her with relief in his eyes.

"Thank you, really." He said as he took a cigarette out of the pack. "I'm Harry, by the way." He added offering his hand.

"Hi, I'm Ashley." She said shaking the offered hand.

"Yeah, I know. You're that singer." He just said smiling.

"Yes, I am." She just answered. The guy was blunt, but Ashley did not mind.

"Well, I guess we'll see each other from time to time. And again, thank you for saving my life." He said.

"You're welcome."

And just like that, the guy disappeared outside. Sally and Ashley headed upstairs.

"So, Ashley, this is your first night in detox, so if you need anything, we're here. Do not hesitate to call, there is a small button on the right side of your bed. Any problem, just push it and we'll be there."

"OK, what should I expect ?"

"Hell!" she said laughing.

Ashley looked at the woman and knew she was being serious. But then again, Ashley knew it. She knew what it was like when she ached for it, but this state usually did not last long because she always managed to quench her thirst. But tonight was going to be different.

Ashley smiled at her and retreated back to her room.

Upon entering the room, she saw the familiar bag on the bed and smiled. A small envelope was on it and Ashley opened it. Just a small note inside with Spencer's writing on it.

_I can'__t believe you forgot it. I know how much you love it so I thought you could use it. _

_Love, _

_S. _

Ashley took the guitar out of the bag. The only object that was cherished by her father and that she had kept after his death. This guitar was the only thing connecting him to her. He had died in a plane crash when Ashley was 7 years old. And this guitar and the small cross around Ashley's neck were the only thing she had from him. He had been a loving father, a very busy one and absent most of the time because of his career, but whenever he was there, he made sure that Ashley had the time of her life.

All her songs had been written with this guitar in hand and Ashley was grateful that Spencer took the time to come back with it. These small gestures was what made Spencer impossible not to fall in love with.

Ashley put the guitar down and headed in the bathroom to take a shower.


	13. First Night part 2

**Author's Note: I'm finally back online**** after many issues I won't bore you with so I will try to update as much as I can in the next week to make up for the long delay. **

**So thanks to the reviewers for your feedback. It means a lot. And I hope you will stick with the story and that you'll enjoy this new chapter. **

**Here is part 2. ****Flashbacks are in italic. **

**Chapter 13: First Night (Part 2)**

Once she had finished taking her shower, Ashley lay down on the bed, staring at the ceiling lost in her thoughts. If she was honest with herself, she could feel that she was starting to wonder what the hell she was doing here as thoughts of partying with her musicians started to invade her mind. Ashley tried to shake it off and the image of her son's face popped in her mind. That's why she was doing it, she told herself, she wanted her son back. Sure, she could see him whenever she wanted, but it was different because everyone was keeping on eye on them, making sure Ashley's bahevior would not cause any harm and this, Ashley could barely stand it.

She remembered the day the day the pregnancy test was finally positive. They had tried before without success but finally after months and months, it finally happened.

------------------------------------------------------------------

_**A littles less than 6 years ago...**_

"_Spence, Baby, wake up!" whispered Ashley in her wife's ear. _

_Spencer just let out a small groan but didn't open her eyes. _

"_Come on, beautiful, rise and shine!" Ashley kept going growing a little impatient. _

_Spencer moved and let out another groan. _

"_Come on, babe!" Ashley said. _

_Spencer finally opened her eyes and looked directly into brown eyes who were staring back at her. _

"_What's with the wake up call!" Spencer said grumpily. "It's Sunday, Ash. People sleep in on Sundays." _

"_I know, Babe, but I was just impatient." _

_It took a minute for Spencer to realize what her wife was talking about. She smiled lovingly at her wife. _

"_Yeah, I can see that!" _

_Ashley smiled back at Spencer and kissed her. _

"_I'm sorry!" Ashley said when she pulled back. "Forgive me!" _

"_Of course..." Spencer said sitting down on the bed. _

"_Great! Now, come on let's go!" Ashley said handing her the pregnancy test. _

"_Ash..." just said Spencer_

"_I know, baby, but I can't help it. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up like that each time because we've been disappointed again and again, but like I said I just can't help it. Now, go!"_

"_Ok, Ok." Spencer said laughing. _

_Spencer made her way to the bathroom and emerged a minute later. _

"_So, how long ?"_

"_Three minutes, Ash. You should know that by now." Spencer said sitting on the bed besides Ashley. _

"_So..." Ashley started saying before being cut off by Spencer who put her hand on Ashley's mouth. _

"_No talking, Sweetie. You're making me nervous."_

"_Ok, no talking." Ashley said taking off Spencer's hand and interlacing her fingers with her wife's. _

_They sat in silence for what felt the longest time ever. Finally, Spencer got up. _

"_You're coming ?" she gestured towards Ashley. _

"_I can't! Go check and you tell me!"_

_Spencer shook her head, smiling and entered the bathroom. For Ashley, it was like time had suddenly slowed down. Having done these tests with Spencer more than once, you'd think she'd be used to it by now but each time, she was a nervous wreck. She wanted this so much and every time had been a disappointment. She tried to prepare herself mentally. _

_Spencer emerged again from the bathroom holding the pregnancy test in her hand. Ashley looked at her expectantly. _

_Spencer looked back at her, broke into a huge smile and just said "Think I'll make a good mom ?" _

"_Oh My God!" whispered Ashley almost scared to talk out loud._

_Spencer moved towards Ashley who was still sitting on the edge of the bed. She settled herself into her lap facing Ashley and kissed her. She felt some tears escape Ashley's eyes. _

"_We're having a baby, Ash. You and me. I can't believe it." She smiled at her wife. _

_Ashley suddenly broke into __the biggest smile Spencer had ever seen, lifted Spencer from her lap and lay her down on the bed. She stared into the blue eyes that she was so in love with and just said "You'll make a great mom. The best. I'm so happy right now, you have no idea. There are no words to describe how I feel."_

"_Don't worry, Babe. I think I do know how you feel. And for the record, you'll make a great mom, too."_

"_I love you, Spence."_

"_And I love you, Ash."_

_Ashley lowered herself down and kissed Spencer trying to convey all of her emotions in one kiss. And from the way her wife was kissing her back, Ashley could tell that they were on the same page. _

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Ashley smiled remembering the moment. She looked at the small clock on the side of the bed and contemplated going downstairs for a while maybe get something to eat. But she wasn't hungry. So, she tried to occupy her time the best way she knew how.

She took the guitar that belonged to her father and started playing. Nothing and everything, just playing softly. How many times had she done that ? Countless times, by herself, with Spencer, with Julian.

But soon frustration settled in and Ashley started getting annoyed with her playing. Nothing sounded good enough tonight. She knew that what started settling in was more than frustration. It was the beginning of so much more. She got up from the bed and started walking around the room, finding a way to calm herself down.

'Come on, Ash, you can do it !' she thought out loud. She almost believed it, too.

She was interrupted in her thoughts by Sally who popped her head in the room.

"Everything ok, Ashley ?" she asked

"Yes, don't worry! I'm just a little bit nervous. Don't you have anything maybe that could help me sleep or relax by any chance ?"

"Sorry, hon, you know we can't give you anything. So, if you feel too sick, just let us know."

"Yeah!" grumbled Ashley. "Thanks anyway."

"I know it's not easy, but you'll get through it." Sally added.

Ashley found her annoying at that moment. What did she know about Ashley's pain ? Nothing. And there she was talking to her like they were friends or something.

"You should go for a walk, if you feel up to it." Continued Sally.

"Yeah, maybe." Just answered Ashley who now wanted to get rid of the nurse.

Sally noticed the tone in Ashley's voice and decided to leave her alone for the moment. Back at her station, Mark, her colleague, was drinking some coffee.

"Ashley Davies is going to have a bad night." She said to Mark. "Just make sure someone goes there every now and then because I have to head downstairs for a while."

"Ah ! our newest celebrity patient. Don't worry, Carolyn and I will check on her."

Ashley decided to leave her room for a while and took a walk outside.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't our celebrity baby ?" said a male voice.

Ashley turned around and recongnized the man from earlier.

"Henry, right ?" she asked.

"Close! It's Harry."

"Sorry!"

"So, how are you settling in, Darlin' ?"

"So far, not so good. I wish I could be somewhere else!"

"Don't we all ?" He said, a gentle tone in his voice. "Cigarette ?" he asked handing the pack to Ashley.

"Where did you get them, I thought they were out ?"

"I've got friends in high places." He joked.

Ashley chuckled and took the cigarette that was offered to her. Maybe this would help her calm her nerves a little.

"So, how long have you been here ?" asked Ashley.

"2 months." He said. "So, Ashley. What's your poison of choice ?"

"What's yours ?"

"I asked you first. But, ok... To be honest, it's a little bit of everything, drugs, alcohol, painkillers. Anything, I could get my hands on. So, now, what about you ?"

"I guess, alcohol."

"And it's your first night, here ?" He asked

"Yep!"

"Well, good luck to you! I can already see you will need it. But, I can tell you that the people in this place are here for you. So don't hesitate to ask for help if necessary." He said

Ashley gently smiled at him. He smiled back and made his way inside, leaving Ashley to her thoughts. 5 minutes later, Ashley headed back inside and into her room.

She laid down, the effects of withdrawal starting to take over. She tried to relax, anyway she could but she was starting to feel nauseous, really nauseous.

And in a matter of 2 minutes, Ashley was in the bathroom, throwing up and her body slightly shaking. Lying on the bathroom floor, she entertained the idea of sleeping right there. But she forced herself up and splashed some water on her face, hoping that would do some good.

"Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts" she started to whisper to herself, trying to forget where she was and how bad she was feeling right now.

---------------------------------------------------------------

"_Come on, __Spence, no peeking! Leave this on!" Ashley said trying to stop Spencer from taking off the scarf that was blindfolding her. _

"_I swear, Ash, if i'm running straight into a wall..." she said not bothering to end her sentence_

"_Like I would ever mess with that gorgeous face of yours. Now, stop whining and keep moving slowly straight ahead."_

"_Where are you taking me, anyway ?" she said slowly moving forward. _

"_Spence, baby, don't you understand the concept of surprise. The whole idea is to suprise you, not tell you in advance where we're going."_

"_All right, all right! Are we there yet ?"_

"_What are you, 5 years old ? Now, just be careful there are some steps... 6 to be exact, so go slow. Here take my hand!" She said taking Spencer's hand into her own. "Ok, now, keep moving, we're almost there."_

_A few seconds later, Ashley stopped Spencer. _

"_Ok, stop righ there. Now, take off the scarf."_

_Spencer did as she was told and adjusted her eyes to her surroundings. In front of her was a house, a very big house. _

"_Where are we ?" asked Spencer. _

"_Home." Just smiled Ashley. _

_Spencer looked at her, confused. _

"_Whose home ?" she asked. _

_Ashley couldn't help but chuckle. _

"_Our home, Spence."_

_It took a few seconds for Spencer to register what Ashley was actually saying. _

"_Our what ?" she finally said. _

"_Well, when I asked you to live with me, I already had a few houses in mind and this one was the top contender. But I had to move fast, anyway long story short, this is ours." Ashley smiled. _

_Spencer couldn't help but smile. This was typical Ashley. The girl was as spontaneous as they come. _

"_But before you say anything about us searching for a place together, I want you to know that every word you ever said about what kind of place you imagined yourself live in in the future never fell on deaf ears. And the house is perfect, Spence, I swear. It's right on the beach and there is a huge backyard just like you want. This is why I bought it." Ashley started to ramble..._

"_Ash, Baby. Stop rambling. I'm sure it's perfect. I know you, sweetie."_

"_So, you're not mad that I did this without talking to you first."_

"_Ash, I could never be mad at you for something like that. And the house does seem perfect, at least on the outside. Now, why don't you show me the inside."_

_Ashley looked at Spencer and saw nothing but pure love reflected in Spencer's eyes. She felt a sudden urge to kiss the blonde girl senseless. So, she put her hands on Spencer's waist and brought her closer to her, as humanly close as possible and in one scorching kiss, she tried to convey as much as she could. Once they broke apart, Ashley looked at Spencer. _

"_So, it's you and me from now on, embarking on a new life together." She said. _

"_Yes, it is, Baby!" Spencer answered before crashing her lips onto Ashley's one more time. _

_---------------------------------------------_

Ashley was now completely restless and the sweating she was experiencing at that very moment wasn't helping. At the reminder of a time when everything was going her way, Ashley felt a little desperate. What wouldn't she give right now for just a drop of her own "forget all my troubles" poison.

She remembered how detached she felt when she was drinking, how nothing seemed to touch her - Spencer's anger or Julian's tears. And right now, this is what she needed. Unfortunately, this was also the only thing she couldn't have.

For a moment, Ashley thought she was going crazy with the need. Her whole body was screaming for the sweet release that seemed to come when she was drowning herself in alcohol. Another wave of nausea seemed to hit her almost immediately and she ran to the small bathroom.

While down on the bathroom floor, she felt a hand on her back. She looked up and saw a man.

"Hi, I'm Mark. I'm one of the nurses. How do you feel ?" he said softly.

Ashley laughed at the stupid question. She knew he was being helpful but what a stupid question that was.

"Make it stop!" she cried out.

"I wish, I could but unfortunately, you have to go through it."

"I need something! It hurts."

"You know we can't give you anything. You have to try to relax. It will pass, I swear."

"When ?"

"Soon, but your body needs to get rid of this addiction and I know it hurts, but you can do it, otherwise you wouldn't be here. Come on, try to stand up."

Ashley didn't want to move, she felt like her entire body was working against her.

**TBC... (part 3 will follow soon)**


	14. First Night part 3

**AN: As usual, thanks for the reviews. **

**A new chapter. Hope you like it. Brownie points for those who find the small FRIENDS reference.**

**Chapter 1****4: First Night (Part 3)**

Ashley had found herself retreated into a corner of the room, trying hard no to think about the pain that had taken over her entire body. Her skin was crawling and she felt like dying. Actually, she was now pretty much convinced that she was indeed dying. She couldn't think, any form of coherent thought now lost into the abyss of her mind never to return. The only thing she was aware of was the pain and the urge to reach for a bottle, any old bottle would do at that point. And the shaking and sweating wasn't helping either, but she was trying to fight the best way she knew and as hard as she could. But right now, she felt like she was losing the battle and she knew that she had to reach deep down to find her inner strength or at least enough strength to survive the night.

That's when Spencer's face appeared in Ashley's mind and she tried to focus on it. This face, to Ashley, was the face of an angel and always had a way to soothe her when everything was going wrong. Sure, lately, this face had been angry most of the time and this angered Ashley as well to no end. Her inability to change the situation they were finding themselves in, the main focus of Spencer's anger being Ashley, the absence of Spencer which was taking a toll on Ashley's sanity. She hadn't realised how seeing Spencer everyday was vital until Spencer left her and seeing her everyday was no longer an option.

There was a time, when just taking a look at Spencer was all she needed, just the way Spencer looked at her was enough to provide Ashley a safe haven in the middle of the storm that was her life. Most of the time, Ashley felt like she was living her life at 100 miles per hour on the highway, but when Spencer was at her side, everything slowed down and Ashley took the time to live and admire her surroundings. She remembered how this particular ability of Spencer came in handy during their senior year when Ashley, who against all odds had thrown herself into her school work courtesy of Spencer's influence of course, was freaking out over her exams.

----------------------------------------

"_Ugh! I'm never going to get that" Ashley said throwing her math book across the room. "God! I feel like I'm going to die, I have so much work, it's freaking crazy!"_

"_Come on Ash, don't talk like that. First of all, you're not going to die and then I think you just need a break, Babe, clear your mind a little."_

"_Ya think!" she snapped. _

"_Hey, don't yell at me, I was just saying."_

"_I'm sorry, Spence. It's just... I can't think anymore." She added now pacing frantically across the room "And I feel like I'm going to fail those exams."_

"_You're not going to fail, Ash. Stop being so pessimist. You have been doing great all year and you know all this. You just need to relax and do something else for a change. Actually, we both do."_

_They both had been studying practically non stop all day and the days before and Ashley had been growing more and more frustrated over the last few days at the amount of work, it seemed like it was a neverending task. _

_Just when Ashley was about to launch into another tirade, two arms made their way around her waist from the back and envelopped her into a hug. A whisper in her ear was urging her to calm down. Ashley turned around and Spencer's smiling face and breathtaking blue eyes welcomed her. Suddenly, all her worries evaporated in a matter of seconds. All she could do was drown herself in those blue ocean eyes._

"_Have I ever told you how much I love your eyes." Ashley told her._

"_Only two or three thousand times." Spencer laughed. _

"_I know, it's just... they're my favorite part of you. I can't get over them."_

"_You want to know what my favorite part of you is ? asked Spencer. _

"_Those skilled hands." Ashley answered a smug smile on her face. _

_Spencer slightly blushed at the comment but kept going. "Sure, those hands are very skilled, no doubt about it, but no, that's not it."_

"_So, what is it ?"_

"_Your smile. You have so many versions according to the occasion. One of your smiles could light up an entire city. But the best one is the one that you have for me and for me only. When you smile at me, Ash, it's like the world had stopped just for a second and you and I are the only ones left. I know I'm going all cheesy on you but that's true."_

_Ashley looked at Spencer and couldn't help but smile, that same smile that Spencer was just talking about. She understood what Spencer was saying because that's basically how she felt when Spencer was smiling at her. _

"_I don't know how you do that!" she said. _

"_Do what ?" asked Spencer. _

"_You're probably the only person to have the ability to calm me down, to make me feel better when I'm about to explode."_

"_And how do I do that ?"_

"_Just by loving me, Spence and that's the best thing about you. You know me like the palm of your hand, inside and out and you know what to say and what to do to get through to me."_

_Spencer smiled at her, gave her a slight kiss on the cheek. "So now, about those hands..." she said with a playful smile. _

"_See, I knew you liked my hands."_

"_Liked them, are you kidding ? I loooove them. Why don't you show me just how good they are."_

"_Babe, did I ever tell you I love how your mind works ?"_

"_Once or twice." Spencer said closing the remaining space between them and kissing Ashley. _

_The scorching kiss almost caused Ashley's knees to buckle but before she realized it, Spencer had pushed her onto the bed and was now on top of her, kissing her neck, licking, biting and slowly making her way to her collarbone. _

_Ashley moaned which only fueled Spencer's desire__ and whose hands had found their way under Ashley's top and were now removing the top and throwing it across the room. Before they both knew it, all clothes were discarded and they were now lost in one another. _

-------------------------------------

This had been the best study session Ashley had ever had and she couldn't help but smile at the memory. For a few moments, getting lost in that memory had allowed Ashley to temporarily forget the pain she was going through. It was funny that even when she wasn't physically there with her, Spencer was still Ashley's safe haven.

She had tried to go to sleep, but in her current condition, she only managed a couple of hours and when she woke up, she felt even worse. She was far from rested. She wondered what time it was and saw that it was barely 3 am. It felt longer to Ashley and she knew this was only the beginning, but she now was more than willing to make it through the night. One step at a time.

Another wave of nausea hit her and she raced to the bathroom. What could she possibly have left to throw up ? Washing her face, she looked up again at her reflection in the mirror. She looked positively horrible.

'Come on, you can do it!' she stated out loud trying to encourage herself. 'One step at a time.' She finished. And just like that, another memory was suddenly triggered.

----------------------------------------------------

"_OH MY GOD!" Spencer screamed. "Ash, get your ass down here, quick!"_

_Ashley ran downstairs as quickly as she could. _

"_WHAT ? What is it ?" she asked panic in her voice, worried that something had happened. _

"_Julian just walked, he took a few steps." Spencer said excitedly. _

_Ashley looked at the small boy now sitting on the floor, smiling up at her. _

"_Really! Tell me you filmed it."_

"_Yeah, Ash, because I always carry a video camera with me wherever I go." Spencer answered sarcastically. "But he did it, he can do it again. Let me go get the video camera." She said running out of the living room._

_When she came back, Ashley had positioned Julian in a standing position and Spencer placed herself a few steps away and faced them. _

"_Come on, Peanut, go see Mommy. Show me how you walk. Take a step for me." Ashley smiled at her little boy. He let go of her, only to find the floor again and crawl on all fours towards Spencer. _

_Spencer laughed and Ashley seemed disappointed. _

"_Don't worry, sweetie. If he did it once, it's a matter of time before he will do it again, soon. It's only a matter of time."_

"_Yeah, I know, but you got to witness it, just like his first word."_

"_Ash, sweetie, I doubt "Gleeba" is a word." Laughed Spencer. _

"_I know, but maybe he was trying to say something." She said. _

_Suddenly, Ashley noticed tha Julian had stood up on his own. Her eyes grew wide and a huge smile was now plastered on her face. _

"_Oh God! Spence! Look!" she said kneeling down on the floor and opening her arms to her son. _

_Julian smiled and the blue eyes which were identical to Spencer's looked up into Ashley's brown ones. He took a step forward, followed by another and another. Spencer now had the video camera directed at him. Julian took the fourth step that was separating him from Ashley and landed straight into her arms. Ashley who was now overcome by emotion was speechless. And with her son in her arms, she smiled at Spencer. _

"_Thanks." She just said. _

"_For what ?" asked Spencer a little confused as to why her wife was thanking her. _

"_For giving me that moment, for allowing me to live those moments by giving me this little angel right there."_

_Spencer smiled back at her. "Well, then I should thank you too because I may have carried him but without you Ash, he wouldn't be here. So, I guess, we're even."_

"_I love you, Spence." She said, now kissing her, Julian still in her arms. "And you too, Peanut. I love you! To the moon and back."_

-------------------------------------------------

Ashley woke up when she felt herself being lifted by two strong arms. She opened her eyes, a little confused. She must have passed out on the bathroom floor, she thought. Mark was now laying her down on the bed.

"How are you feeling, Ashley ?" he said checking her pulse.

"Not so good." She whispered.

"Try to get some sleep. I know it's not easy and I know it hurts, but try anyway."

She nodded and closed her eyes. The dream/memory was still fresh in her mind and she remembered how it felt, how happy she was back then. When did it all go wrong ? But in that exact moment, she couldn't remember.

She let herself fall into a dreamless sleep this time and opened her eyes a few hours later, daylight piercing through the curtains of the room.

Ashley smiled to herself. At least, she made it through the night. All she had to do now was make it through the day. One step at a time.


	15. A morning to remember

**AN: Big thanks for those who are still with me. And your reviews mean a lot. So keep them coming. **

**A new chapter focusing on Spencer but don't worry we'll be back with Ashley in the next chapter. I hope you like it. **

**Chapter 1****5: A morning to remember**

Ashley woke up, daylight piercing through the curtains of the room. The first thing that she was aware of was how bright the room was. The second thing that came to mind was the pounding in her head. It felt like someone was hammering inside her head. She brought both her hands to her head and tried to make it stop but it was hopeless.

Ashley grunted and tried to get up. The pain rushing through her head almost made her dizzy but Ashley knew she had to get up. At least, she was glad she had managed to sleep for a few hours so she wouldn't resemble a zombie. Ashley was used to short nights, she had always been a light sleeper unlike Spencer who could sleep through an earthquake.She remembered how difficult it was to wake up Spencer when Julian was a baby and needed to be fed during the night.In any case, despite having a few hours of rest, the night had taken a lot out of Ashley and she hoped that a shower would help her. She had a feeling that it was going to be a long day.

------------------------------------------

Spencer awoke that sunday morning with Julian beside her. He woke up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare and had insisted on spending the night in his mother's bed. Spencer look at the small sleeping boy, she was always in awe of her son. Asleep, he always seemed so at peace but she knew that he was suffering from the situation despite his young age. And he was missing Ashley. It had been a tough year for Spencer, but it had been as tough for the boy because he was always so close to Ashley and suddenly everything had changed on him and he didn't completely understand why or why Ashley wasn't living with them anymore. Spencer had tried to explain as best as she could but it was hard for him to understand. And Ashley wasn't helping the situation by not coming to see him as often as Julian hoped.

Careful not to wake him up, she went downstairs and found her father at his usual spot, in the kitchen. As a kid in Ohio, she always loved watching her dad in the kitchen and growing up she had taken a more active role and cooking had become a father/aughter activity. And when both had had a bad day, it was a sort of therapy. Spencer couldn't deny the strong connection to her father, and it was certainly stronger than the connection with her mother.

The relationship between Paula and Spencer had never completely recovered after Spencer's coming out because in that instant Paula's dreams for Spencer had shattered and her world had been turned upside down. Over the years, Paula had adjusted but deep inside something had been broken and Spencer knew it. And no matter how many times she denied it, Paula blamed Ashley for this. Spencer had explained that Ashley or not, it would have happened because that's who she was and nothing was going to prevent that. Spencer just happened to fall in love with Ashley, that's all but in Paula's mind, it had happened because of Ashley and for that the relationship between her mother and her wife was strained at best.

Paula wasn't a bad person but she had put so much faith into Spencer that when Spencer had strayed from the path Paula had chosen for her, it had been very difficult between them. They repaired the relationship throughout the years but something had been broken, never to be fixed, words had been said never to be forgotten even if forgiven. And Ashley will always remain a sore subject between them, Spencer and Paula always butting heads when it came to Ashley.

But to be fair, even back in Ohio, before their lives had been turned upside down when they moved to LA, the pressure from Paula had started to burden Spencer. Was it because Spencer was the youngest, the baby of the family or was it because Spencer was the only girl ? Spencer will never know and had long stopped trying to understand why her mother acted the way she had with her. Perhaps it came from her own issues with her own mother and that she was repeating the same pattern with Spencer. But when all hell broke loose when Paula caught Spencer and Ashley, their relationship had changed and would never be the same again. Throughout these difficult times, Spencer had been grateful for her father's support who endangered his own marriage to stick by his daughter, fighting Paula on every issue, even defending Ashley whenever he could.

At seeing her father, Spencer smiled fondly.

"Hey Dad!" She said entering the kitchen.

"Hey, Sweetie! Did you sleep well ?"

"Could have been better." She sighed.

"Let me guess, Ashley ?" he said.

"Among other things. I'm worried about her of course, wondering how she's doing. But Julian woke up around 2am screaming. Nightmare..." she just said.

"The nightmares are starting again ?" he asked.

"I hope not. I think it's just an isolated incident." She said rememebering the first few weeks after she and Julian moved out of the house.

Night after night, Julian had nightmares and woke up scared to no end. It took Spencer at least 1 hour before she could calm him down. Those nightmares always included Ashley. It wasn't hard to figure out that Ashley and Spencer separating had taken a toll on their son and moving into a new place had upset him tremendously. It had been hard but after a while and a long talk with him about their situation, Julian had finally started adjusting but he still acted out sometimes, especially throwing tantrums whenever Ashley had to leave after spending some time with him.

When Ashley showed up less and less regularly, Spencer felt like smacking her sometimes because she didn't see how hard it was on the boy.

"Want some pancakes, Spence ?" Arthur said forcing Spencer to snap out of her daze.

"Definitely." She smiled.

"Don't worry, sweetie. Ash will be fine and I'm sure she will get through it."

"How can you be so sure ?" Spencer asked him.

"I'm not, but we have no choice but hoping, right ? You know she's like another daughter to me, so I have to believe that she will beat this because I refuse to imagine what will happen if she doesn't. You have faith in her, don't you ?" He asked.

"I always had, Dad. You know this better than anyone. We have been through so much and I want to believe that it wasn't all for nothing. That something good will come out of this."

Arthur marched up to his daughter and envelopped her into a big bear hug and smiled at his youngest child.

"That's the spirit, kiddo!" he said. "By the way, I forgot to tell you that Glen will be coming by this afternoon." He added.

Spencer sighed, the last thing she wanted today was fight with Glen. The relationship with her older brother had taken a turn for the worse some time ago. After Clay's death during their junior prom, the Carlin kids had become closer than ever, always taking care of each other and protecting one another. But Ashley's behavior had managed to come between them.

Glen had urged Spencer to move out, to leave Ashley but Spencer always refused, saying that she wouldn't leave Ashley alone when things were so difficult. They were a couple and they were going to deal with this together. Glen didn't understood his sister's decision seeing as how Ashley was hurting her and the fights between the Carlin siblings had become more and more recurrent. Spencer had stopped counting the endless arguments between them. Each time they saw each other, they ended up fighting and one of them would eventually leave slamming the door behind and cursing the other.

And when the accident with Julian happened, Glen had become enraged. Spencer had never seen him like that and she had to physically restrain him from attacking Ashley. He had blamed Spencer for not listening to him in the first place and when, despite their separation, Spencer had refused to cut Ashley out of her life, Glen had badly reacted, never really understanding why his sister was so keen on getting hurt by Ashley.

The two siblings were now barely talking and when they did, Ashley was a big "No-No" otherwise they would eventually end up fighting. And since Spencer knew she had to tell him about Ashley's decision to enter rehab, she prepared herself mentally for a very long afternoon fighting with Glen. Spencer, as an eternal optimist, never lost hope that her brother would come around at some point, and now that Ash was willing to do something, maybe he would understand and come to terms with his "Ashley issues". But Spencer knew he would need time and she was willing to give it to him and not push him. That's how they proceeded with Clay, giving each other space and enough time to deal with their grief but never pushing the other.

"Good." She said softly. "Julian will be thrilled to see him."

---------------------------------------------------------

After her shower and letting the hot water relax her body, Ashley felt a little better but didn't feel like getting out of her room.

That's when Mark appeared in the room.

"Hello, Ashley. How are you feeling this morning ?"

"Like crap." She answered.

"It'll get better. Don't worry. Feel like getting some breakfast."

"Not really hungry!" she mumbled.

"You have to get some food in your system, Ashley."

"I have a terrible headache."

"Well, I can give you some aspirin, but you need to eat."

"Ok, ok." Ashley surrendered not feeling like arguing right now.

"Come on, that will give me the opportunity to introduce you to the group Jeremy placed you in."

"Great!" she said almost sarcastically.

"Come on, Ashley, smile. They won't bite, I promise."

Ashley reluctantly agreed and followed him downstairs.


	16. Group Meeting and First Session part 1

**A/N: Here is another update. ****I divided this chapter in 2, so you should have the second part up by the end of the weekend. **

**I try to keep the updates coming as quickly as I can but sometimes life and work get in the middle, so patience... Anyway, I hope you like the chapter. And thanks for the feedback. **

**Chapter 16 : ****Group Meeting and First Session (part 1)**

Once downstairs, in the main common room, Mark stopped at a table in the center of the room. 5 people were eating, actively talking and Ashley instantly recognized Harry who winked and smiled at her.

"Hey guys, how are you all doing this morning ?"

"Well, I'd be better if Randy would stop complaining about his lack of sex life." said a red-haired woman, who seemed to be in her forties. "Seriously, I don't need to hear that." She added towards a blonde guy with spikey hair.

"Hey, I'm sorry, I thought we were supposed to share." The blonde guy answered.

"Yeah, but maybe you could share about something else for a change." Interrupted a dark haired man who reminded Ashley of Aiden somehow, if Aiden was in his early fifties.

"Ok, ok guys. I'm here because Jeremy assigned someone else to your group." Mark said gesturing towards Ashley. "Guys, this is Ashley. It's her first day here, so be nice." Then her turned to Ashley. "Ashley, this is your group. I'll let them introduce themselves. Each group has daily activities and the "team leader" of the week is in charge of dispatching the tasks, so I will let you check with them."

"Ok." Just answered Ashley.

"Get something to eat and if you don't feel good, just let a nurse know. I will see you tonight Ashley and don't forget your session at 2pm in Jeremy's office."

"Yeah, ok. Thanks Mark." Ashley answered offering a shy smile to the nurse.

Mark said a quick goodbye to the table and left. Ashley just looked around the table, feeling a little self conscious as they were all staring at her.

"Is there any coffee ?" asked Ashley to break the ice.

"Yes, but only decaf because caffeine is mood altering" said the red-haired woman.

Ashley sighed a little "Well, then decaf it is." She said looking around.

"Here, let me show you where everything is." The red-haired woman continued getting up "I'm Jill, by the way."

"Thank you, Jill." Said Ashley.

Jill proceeded to show Ashley where to get everything and they went back to sit at the table.

"So, Ashley, let me introduce you to the members of our little group." Started Jill. "On my right, you have Randy" she said gesturing to the blonde guy from earlier. "Right next to Randy, this is Harry."

"Yeah, we've met before." Said Randy. "Ashley and I are old pals." He winked at her.

Ashley couldn't help but smile.

"Then you have Vivian" continued Jill gesturing towards a black woman probably in her mid-forties "And finally, Pierce." She finished poiting out the older Aiden look-alike.

"It's nice to meet you all." Ashley said.

"So, Ashley what brought you here ?" Vivian asked.

"Well, the same thing as you guys I assume." She answered.

"We all have our story and drug of choice, what's yours ?" Vivian continued.

"Alcohol." Just stated Ashley.

"Same as me." Said Vivian smiling at Ashley. "Got sent here by a judge. I've been here 3 months now."

"So, this is your first day ?" asked Pierce. "no wonder you look like shit. First night in detox, right ?"

"Yeah, and thanks I guess." She said acknowledging his earlier statement.

"Don't worry, you still look better than I did my first night here." He smiled. "Heroin addict." He just added softly.

"Me too." Added Randy. "been there 22 days, now."

"You forgot sex addict, Randy." Laughed Harry.

"I'm sorry, I am not a sex addict. I was just mainly stating that I hadn't had sex..."

"In 22 days! We know!" finished Pierce. He turned his attention back to Ashley. "So, Ashley the policy in our little group is to be honest about everything, whether you join us in therapy or not. So, we won't beat around the bush, we know who you are, because, well, who doesn't? And yes, we've seen many pictures of you in, let's just say, "compromising situations". But don't worry, I'm sure if some of us had been followed by paparazzi too, the pictures would have been the same or even worse in my case."

"Wow, you don't waste any time, do you ?" said Ashley.

"Why would we ?" answered Jill. " We are all here because we have a problem that needs to be dealt with. I'm an alcoholic and an addict, just like Harry. Vivian is an alcoholic, Pierce and Randy are drug addicts. In here, there's no need to hide things. We all have families and friends who have been hurt by us, we all couldn't look at ourselves in the mirror knowing what we put them through. We all have done things we are ashamed of and we are all here because we need things to change and we need to heal."

Ashley looked at the 5 people around her and realized that, indeed, she was no different and maybe accepting to enter rehab wasn't such a bad idea after all.

"So, is detox always this bad ?" she asked.

"Yes. And don't worry, You're still in for a couple of bad nights and then it'll start to get better" said Harry.

"Great." Sighed Ashley. The headache was starting to pass, but she still didn't feel good. And she was practically sure that was she was eating right now would make its way up very soon.

"So, to be a full member of our little group." started Randy "You have to tell us one embarrassing thing you've done while drunk or high."

"What ?" asked Ashley.

"Yeah, we've all done it and we'll tell your our embarrassing secrets, but you have to go first." Said Vivian.

"Well, I've done a lot of them." Said Ashley not very proud of herself in that very moment. "But apparently when I'm drunk I like to have conversations with inanimate objects since one time I tried to convince a mailbox that I hadn't bump into it on purpose. When I explained to the police officer behind me that I was arguing with the mailbox and that mailboxes were rude and didn't have any sense of humor, let's just say he wasn't exactly laughing either."

Each of them, as promised, proceeded to tell Ashley one of their little story. Ashley smiled and was very thankful because these people had managed to make her feel comfortable. Then, Randy, the week's team leader told her that this week their group was assigned to the common areas and that basically they had to keep it clean and that the chores around the center were part of their daily life. Ashley was assigned to washing all the dishes (breakfast, lunch and dinner) along with Pierce.

Pierce and Ashley went to the kitchen and managed to get the work done within 2 hours.

After that Ashley was heading back to her room, feeling completely exhausted and starting to feel seriously nauseous.

"Ashley, if you need to talk or anything, you can come to us. That's what the group is for. We learn to trust other people beside our therapist. I'm in room 302 if you need anything." Explained Pierce

"Thanks, Pierce. I will keep that in mind." She answered.

"So, we'll see you at lunch." He asked

"Yep, I'll try to make it." She said. He smiled at her and headed outside.

Ashley went back to her room and laid down. The headache which had passed earlier was back in full form.


	17. Group Meeting and First Session part 2

**I know it's been 3 months since the last update. I apologize for the delay but I just want to say that I will finish the story, don't worry. I hope that you guys are still with me. **

**Anyway, here is an update, hoping that you like it. And feedback is always appreciated. **

**Chapter 1****7 : Group Meeting and First Session (part 2)**

By 2pm, Ashley made her way reluctantly to Jeremy's office. At that point, she wasn't really in the mood for therapy, all she wanted was crawl inside a bed and sleep so whe would forget everything but she had no choice.

She knocked on the office door and heard a "come in!" from the other side of the door.

"Hello, Ashley !" Jeremy said cheerfully.

Ashley wanted to bite his head off right then, she was feeling like crap and here this guy seemed to be the happiest guy on earth.

"Hi!" she said back, trying to muster a little enthusiasm.

Jeremy chuckled slightly. Ashley was not different than the thousands of patients he had seen over the years. He knew that detox was hard and he knew that talking to a stranger was always hard.

"Please take a seat." He said, pointing at the chair in front of him.

Ashley sat down and looked around the small office. She hadn't noticed how small it was when she first came in yesterday. It all seemed so cluttered between all the books, the desk and so on.

"So, Ashley, not feeling too good, I imagine. " he said

"Understatement of the century." She said. "Right now, I feel like someone is hammering in my head and I cannot make it stop."

"Were you given something ?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't seem to be helping."

"Give it some time. You have to try to relax."

"Easy for you to say."

"Well, Ashley, not so easy. I've been there before you. I'm a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober for 16 years now, but I know exactly what you're going through right now, because I've been there."

"So, you do know what you're talking about." She smiled.

"Yes, I do." He smiled back.

"So, how do we do this ? Am I supposed to tell you my darkest secrets ?" she said a little bit sarcastically.

"Well, you could if you wanted to. But, no...these sessions are for you to talk about whatever's in your mind, whatever's bothering you. But also, to talk about your problem and how it has affected your life and the people around you."

"Well, I hope you've got time."

"I have all the time you need."

"So, Ashley, let's start with something simple. Why are you here ?"

A simple question, indeed. But so many ways to answer it. To Ashley, a simple "my family made me!" didn't seem to be the right answer.

"Well, it seems I have a small problem with alcohol. A small problem that has affected my whole life and I need to get rid of it so that I can get my life back. To be honest, this problem cost me my marriage, my son, my family and my friends."

"OK. Good. The first step in any therapy, Ashley, is to admit there is a problem in the first place. And you seem to be aware of that fact. Can I ask what made you realise this ?"

"What do you mean ?"

"Well, for everyone, there is always a trigger. Something happens that forces us to open our eyes and admit that something is really wrong with the way we're leading our life. For me, it happened when I drank so much that I woke up 2 days later, I had no idea where I was, I didn't have any money or any phone and I didn't know where my daughter was. I had her for the weekend, she was 6 at the time, I started drinking and next thing I know it's 2 days later and I'm miles from my apartment."

"What happened, if you don't mind my asking ?"

"Well, I made my way back to my apartment and my daughter had been smart enough to call my neighbor who had called the cops because I was missing. Next thing I know, a judge is removing my custody rights and I am sent to rehab. But when I woke up with no idea where I was and that my 6-year-old was all alone was the trigger, I had hit rock bottom and I realised that I was just hurting the people I loved most and that it needed to stop.

So, Ashley , what was your trigger ?"

"Well, I'm a little bit slow when it comes to dealing with my problems and do something about it so it took different things to force me to open my eyes."

"I can understand. Sometimes we don't want to admit that we're in the wrong or we're just so sure that we can deal with it by ourselves and do not need help."

"But, who are we kidding, right ?"

"Exactly. You can pretend all you want that you can face it on your own but the fact is that there is a point where we just can't anymore. There's no shame in admitting that you need help Ashley, that you can't do it by yourself."

"I did grow up in a household where I had to rely only on myself only, there was no one there when I needed help, no one that wanted to be bothered with me so I had to it on my own."

"Tell me about your parents, Ashley."

"Ah! Is this the part where I can blame it all on my mother."

"You can explain to me how you felt back then. But in the end, you are responsible for your actions. Your upbringing can help us understand your defence mechanisms and how you cope with problems but in the end the choice to get one drink, then two or three and finish the whole bottle is yours and yours alone."

"I know." She said softly. "So, what do you want me to tell you?"

"Whatever you feel like telling me."

"You're a great help! You know that!" she said sarcastically.

"So, I've been told on numerous occasions." He chuckled.

"Let's see. My dad died when I was 7. He was absent most of the time, but I know he loved me. When he was home, he took the time to be there for me, even if it was only a few days here and there. But sometimes, I wish he would have made more of an effort, you know. I understand that his career was important to him but as his daughter, I would have liked to be his first priority and I wasn't and I resent him for that."

"What about your mother ?"

"That's another story altogether. I don't really remember how she was before we moved to Los Angeles. But I always felt that I was an inconvenience to her, a burden she didn't want to deal with. She had no trouble leaving me alone for days by myself when I was only 10 or 11 years old because she was out of town for a job or because she was with her boy toy of the week. Yeah, it's alright to say that I don't think she really cared that much about me.

I remember when I was 12, she had left a couple of days before and I started to feel really bad and I almost passed out in the kitchen. Thankfully, we had the maid who came in once a day and she found me throwing up in the kitchen and sensing that something was really wrong, she called 911. Turns out my appendicitis had exploded. When Maria, our maid, told the doctors that I had been alone by myself for days and since they had a hard time even locating my mother to inform her that I was at the hospital, they called social services.

But with money and the right people to buy, anything can disappear and it never went any further. But what I remember is that I got yelled at because she had to come back to take care of paperwork for the hospital and she had, and I quote, "better things to do that be stuck with me." Finally she returned to wherever the hell she came from and Maria stayed with me. She had to bring her daughter with her to stay at my house so she could check up on me. The good thing is that I met Madison that day, her daughter who quickly became one of my best friend."

"I see." Jeremy just said.

"Well, I know some people have it far worse than me. At least I wasn't beaten or anything like that and I had the money to live comfortably. But still neglect is neglect."

Ashley remained silent for a while after this. Lost in her mind, moments she didn't want to remember making their way to the surface. She barely registered Jeremy's voice.

"What ??" she said

"I said, how do you feel when you're drinking Ashley ?"'

"I like that way it takes away my ability to think so to speak. When I drink, I forget and when I forget then I can't feel the pain. I'm numb and it feels good to be numb. "

"What kind of pain ?" he asked.

"I don't know my life, my relationship with Spencer, how I keep hurting her over and over again, how I hurt my son. That kind of stuff."

"Tell me about Spencer."

"Do you have a lifetime in front of you." She laughed. "To sum up, Spencer is probably the most amazing person I've ever met and I thank God everyday that He let her walk into my life and spill my hot coffee all over the place." She smiled as she couldn't help but remember the day she met the love of her life.

She remembered the blonde girl standing behind her looking lost and she remembered almost barking at her. What a first impression, she smiled to herself. The lost girl trying to find the science lab and trying to help Ashley with her books and inadvertently spilling the coffee which had made Ashley even angrier. But somehow this blonde girl had registered in her mind and as the day went by, ashley couldn't get her out of her mind and she really didn't understand why. Never had someone made such an impact on her, someone whose name she didn't even know. So she sought her out and found her in the gym. Just by looking at her sitting on the bench, Ashley could feel deep inside that something had changed, something was about to happen, a major life change. And it did, indeed.

Jeremy saw Ashley lost in her memories and smiling. He had rarely seen such a smile, actually he couldn't even remember that last time he saw such a smile. At this moment, he knew what was going through Ashley's mind and couldn't help but envy her, somehow. Love, that's what it was. The kind that is so rare, that so many people would die for just to taste a second of it and here it was, reflected on Ashley Davies's face.

"I understand you're high school sweethearts." He asked

Ashley couldn't but laugh at those words that she saw printed so many times in magazines.

"High school sweethearts ?" she repeated. "These words are nowhere near what Spencer and I are. They are so trivial. True, for sure, but so trivial."

Ashley remained silent for a few seconds.

"I like to think that the best words to describe Spencer and I would be soulmates. We were meant to be and I felt it the moment I met her. I'm the yin to her yang. I know it sounds cliche but that's how I see it. She's the missing piece of my soul. No one in my entire life has made me feel the way she makes me feel, except for my son but it's a different love. Being in love with Spencer is like being on a permanent high."

And there it was, Jeremy knew why he had felt envious moments before because never in his life had he felt this way for someone much less having this feeling returned. And he didn't doubt that the feeling had been returned and still was. He had met Spencer only a few minutes when she came in with Ashley but he could tell that she was very much in love. You couldn't fake the look she had in her eyes when she looked at Ashley, pure love. He had at least seen that.

All he had to do was understand why someone who had something that most people want to have would throw it all away for a few drinks.

"I think we can stop here for today, Ashley. You've done great, I honestly expected much more resistance coming from you and you surprised me in a very good way."

"Well, I figure I might as well do this right if I want to have a shot at getting it all back."


	18. Brotherly Love

**A/N: This story has been on hiatus because I started working on another story at the same time. So, I put this one away so I could focus on the other one which I will start posting soon. Anyway, I'm back to this story and I hope I will be able to provide updates a little more regularly. **

**For those who are still with me, Thank you. I know it's not easy to stick with a story when the updates are not very regular. So, again, you guys rock! **

**As usual, feedback is very much appreciated. **

**Chapter 1****8: Brotherly Love**

Spencer tensed up a little as she heard the front door and the familiar voice of her older brother announcing his arrival. She closed her eyes for a second, took a deep breath and prepared herself mentally for the long afternoon ahead of her. Talking to Glen about Ashley sometimes felt like talking to a wall.

As she headed for the family living room, she couldn't help but get lost in memories, how things used to be, how Ashley and Glen used to be friends despite their rocky beginning. Because despite everything, they both had one thing in common, and that was Spencer. And that was just the middle ground each needed to make peace and learn to appreciate each other.

Approaching the room, she heard a voice she couldn't recognize. As she entered, her gaze fell upon her older brother who smiled at her. She smiled back. Despite their many fights, she never doubted Glen's love for her. After all, she was his little sister, his family and that, Glen cherished above all else. He was genuinely happy to see her and the feeling was mutual as she let herself be embraced into a big bear hug.

"Hey Glen!" Spencer just said. "How are you?"

"I'm good! Never been better actually! You!"

"Can't complain."

"So, where's my favorite nephew ?"

"Glen", she laughed, "He's your only nephew."

"And that's why he's my favorite. So where is the little guy?"

"Upstairs, playing video games."

When Spencer called for Julian, she finally saw the source of the unfamiliar voice who had remained quiet. A young woman, with long dark hair and green eyes. The woman was beautiful, no doubt about it. And knowing the Carlin's weakness for gorgeous brunettes, she instantly knew this was probably Glen's latest girlfriend. Looking at the woman in front of her, Spencer smiled. She always found funny that Glen and herself would be attracted to the same type of women, at least physically speaking.

The woman locked eyes with Spencer and smiled at her. Spencer returned the smile.

"Spence, allow me to introduce you to Megan, my girlfriend. Meg, this is my little sister, Spencer. And the little guy here", he added pointing at Julian who just made his appearance in the living room, "is my nephew, Julian."

Megan extended her hand to Spencer.

"It's nice to meet you." She said.

"Likewise." Answered Spencer shaking Megan's hand.

As the hour passed and Glen was playing with Julian, Spencer got to know Megan. She was actually quite nice and very different from the other girls Glen had been dating in the past. She remembered that Ashley used to tease him about that, he only dated screw-ups so that he could avoid his mother's constant nagging about settling down and giving her another grandchild.

Megan was 29 years-old, a math teacher in highschool and from what she could gather had been dating Glen for the past 4 months which was a record for Glen. In other words, Megan was the perfect future daughter-in-law and she looked forward to Megan's introduction to Paula because she knew that Paula would be pushing Glen even more now.

As the conversation started to shift towards Spencer's personal life, Spencer felt hesitant. She didn't know what Glen had told Megan and she knew the subject of Ashley was about to come up. Spencer could see that Megan had noticed Spencer's slight confusion.

"I don't mean to pry, if you feel uncomfortable to talk about it to a person you've met 3 hours ago, I understand."

"No, it's not that." Spencer answered sincerely. "It's just, I don't know how much Glen has told you about me exactly because my situation is a bit complicated at the moment." She added glancing quickly at Glen who was still busy with Julian.

"Well, he doesn' talk about it much. Just like with your other brother, each time I try to talk to him he shuts down, like it's kind of a sore spot for him."

"Well, you're right about that!" Spencer laughed.

"Well, I know that you were married to Ashley Davies, the singer, and that you're now separated. But that's pretty much it ?" Megan asked kindly.

"Well, then you know the most important. I assume Glen doesn't talk about it much because he and Ashley don't really get along nowadays."

"No. Honestly when I learned that he was Ashley Davies brother-in-law, I couldn't believe it. I tried to ask him what it was like being connected to someone that famous. Because I have to tell you, most of my students are big fan of hers."

"I'll pass that on." Laughed Spencer.

"You know what, if my students learn that I'm dating Ashley Davies' brother-in-law, they're gonna go crazy."

"Somehow I don't think Glen will appreciate your sudden increase in popularity, especially if Ashley is the reason."

"So, I'm guessing when you said they don't get along, you meant they _**really**_ don't get along."

"The situation is complicated and they used to be friends, so I'm hoping that one day it can be fixed."

"That's why I also learned very quickly that Ashley Davies is a sore subject for him."

"It is, indeed." Spencer answered, sighing.

"Don't worry." Megan added softly, smiling. "Families. They all have issues, no matter where you come from."

Spencer decided that she definitely liked this girl and maybe there was still hope for Glen after all. The fact that he dated someone like Megan proved that he had done some growing up, after all.

"So Glen told me you write those "Worlds Beyond" Books. My two nieced love those books and I have to admit, I love reading with them. They're fantastic. So, you're the future J.K. Rowling."

Spencer laughed. "Yeah, well, I'm not quite there yet."

"From what I can tell, these books are getting more and more popular. So, why not?"

"Well, we'll see. But I'm just glad people are enjoying these books because I love writing them."

Yep, Spencer definitely liked the girl and could see herself becoming fast friends with her. And after talking with her, Spencer realised that talking to Glen wasn't such a good idea after all. Creating a scene in front of Megan was not a good idea either, especially with Julian in the house. She would find a way to get her brother alone later in the week and talk to him. But not today, she decided.

"Well, do you mind if the boys intrude on your girl time." Asked Glen sitting down on the couch next to Megan.

"Not at all." Spencer smiled.

"Where's Dad ?" Glen asked Spencer.

"He went to pick up Mom at the market. Car trouble again."

"Again, I told Mom to get rid of this old car and buy a new one."

"Well, I think she's about to listen."

Later on, as Julian insisted on playing with Megan outside, Glen and Spencer found themselves alone.

"So, what do you think?" asked Glen.

"About what ?" smiled Spencer, knowing exactly what he was asking.

"About what ?" Glen mimicked. "About her ?"

"She's a really nice girl, so not your usual type. It's kind of refreshing." Spencer laughed.

"Yeah, I know. I can't believe she actually agreed to go on a date with me in the first place."

"You know when Mom meets her, Father Gabriel will be on speed dial."

"Tell me about it!"

"At least, it'll get her off my back for a while." Spencer sighed.

"I know about Ash!" she heard him say. She almost froze not knowing what was coming after that.

"What do you mean ?" she asked him avoiding his gaze. She didn't want to see the look in her brother's eyes. The same look she had seen dozens of times before, the look that says "Why are you wasting your life with her?" She tried so many times to make them understand but in the end she was sure that her mother or Glen never understood the depth of the connection between Ashley and herself. And she didn't think they ever would.

"Megan was watching E! And apparently they had footage of you and Ashley entering a rehab center."

"Damn paparazzi!" Spencer just huffed. She was getting sick of those brown nosers always hiding somewhere. She had gotten used to it but it didn't mean she had to like it.

"So she's trying again ?" Glen asked in a way that was a little too sarcastic for Spencer.

"Yes, she is and this time she's serious about it. Dad and I found the center so it won't be these 3 days bullshit she's gone through previously." She said anger lingering in her voice.

Glen recognized the tone immediately and was wondering what to do. He knew that he had been harsh on Spencer over the last couple of years mainly because of Ashley. But he had also learned that when it came to Ashley, his sister wasn't about to listen to him, she would be doing things her way. He had tried over and over again to help her realize that Ashley was no good for her, to no avail. Spencer had stuck by her every step of the way until Julian's life had been at stake. That's when Spencer lost it and finally threw in the towel. Right now, he was starting to see that losing Spencer was not worth it, he had some groveling to do because he had almost ruined his relationship with his sister because of his personal feelings for Ashley. And now was the time to make up for it and rebuild what they had slowly destroyed over the last few years.

"Ok, no need to get angry, Spence. I was just asking."

"No, that was the way you asked, Glen. I'm perfectly aware that Ashley has a bad history when it comes to rehab centers, but if she tells me that she's serious then I have to support her."

"But she has disappointed you before. What makes you think she won't do it again." He asked her knowing he was about to anger his sister even more. But he also knew he had to ask.

"Because this is her last chance. And she knows it. And I believe her."

"Why ?" he asked already knowing the answer.

"Because I have to, Glen. Because I need to. No matter how messed up she is, she's still the love of my life. And she always will be, no matter what, even if we're not together. She's my soulmate, Glen. I know you never understood it and I don't blame you because you don't know her the way I do."

"I know..."

"No, that's just it, Glen. You don't know. And I don't think you ever will. She's my family and maybe we haven't been much of a family for this past year, but right now she's trying and that's all I care about. If she's trying, then I will be there for her."

"So, will you two get back together ?"

"I don't know, Glen. It's too soon to tell. We have a lot to work out before, but right now it's about Ashley getting better and nothing will come in between for the moment. I told Ashley the same thing, first she has to get better then we'll see where we stand."

"If you're sure this is what you want..." he sighed.

"Yes, I'm sure. Glen, I know you don't like Ashley very much right now, but..." she started before Glen interrupted her.

"It's not that I don't like Ashley, Spence. I'm just trying to protect you. You're my baby sister, no matter how old you are, you will always be my baby sister."

"I know why you're doing this, Glen, I'm not stupid. But I also know that you have to trust me when it comes to Ashley."

"You, I trust. It's Ashley I don't trust."

Spencer looked at her older brother and despite his words, she knew he was trying, she knew that he was finally going to give Ashley the benefit of the doubt. He was trying to mend their relationship and she had to give him at least that.

"I know, Glen. That's why I'm asking you to trust me. What happened with Julian will never happen again, I swear to you. It might not look like it right now, but Ashley will never let it happen again. That much, I know. It eats her deep inside, I can tell even if you can't see the remorse because of all the drinking, I know it's there and that's enough."

"Ok." He finally said after a few seconds of silence.

"Ok ?" she asked him. "You're sure ?"

"Yes. But she better be serious about it, otherwise I will kick her ass." He smiled.

"And I'll let you do it." She smiled back at her brother.

"Deal ?"

"Deal!"

After that conversation with Glen, Spencer felt like a weight was lifted from her shoulders. The afternoon turned out better than she had hoped and having her brother by her side meant the world to her.


End file.
